My Christmas Wish

I have been seeing on tv and on facebook and everywhere else, what everyone wants for Christmas....and so i was wondering...what do i really want for Christmas?

Laughter.

And that may seem simple, but it isn't.

Because you can't really laugh when you are hungry, so first, we would have to find a way to feed those all around us.   We would have to reach out - stop looking in the mirror and instead look out the window to see who is in need.  Bring groceries or money to the food bank, drop food off at a front door anonymously, help the kids during the holidays that count on free meals at school.

And stop bullying, because you can't laugh when you have been physically and emotionally pushed in the mud.  We would have to hold the bullies accountable for their behavior and make sure our words are loving, and positive.  We would have to open our eyes to the pain around us and DO something about it instead of walking away.

And stop loneliness, because you can't laugh alone.   Reach out when you see someone sitting alone at a restaurant, send cards to those you know don't have family or friends nearby.  Make a call and just listen to someone talk, and not try to fix them, just love on them.

The laughter list goes on, there are so many events, times, things that make laughter impossible.   My Christmas wish that that throughout the year, i find ways to make others laugh.   That i reach beyond my comfort zone, and work more for HIM and less for me, and bring happiness to those lacking the ability to laugh this year.

Yeah, that is my Christmas wish.

I love you.

God, where art thou?

Today, i suddenly realized God hadn't been speaking to me.   Several days had gone by, without a word....and hey, what is up with that?
Then suddenly i realized....He is talking, i am just not listening. 
My favorite verse in the bible is "Be Still And Know That I Am God." Psalm 46.10  To me, it says - in simple terms - sit down and shut up.


God is always talking to me, but i am often too busy to LISTEN to Him.   And He talks to me all the time.  I have heard him numerous times in music -

For example - there was this song, i heard it several times on WPER, and was in LOVE with it and wanted to choreograph a dance to it...and every time i heard it, they never gave me the name of the song.  I was getting desperate.  This was before i knew to type in a few lines and it would pop up in google.   So, finally i went to Logos Christian book store and tried to give them some hints to the song, but my voice is so bad, they could not figure it out.  So they pointed me to a board with samples of all the top songs out right now, and i starting listening to each one.  Wouldn't you know it...the very last button on the box of 24 songs was the one i wanted??!!?  

So i got into my car...and played the song...and nothing came...no dance, no steps, nothing.  NOTHING.   I was so frustrated, and thought "well, i guess i am not meant to use this song." and pushed the eject button.  And just then "Next, This Fragile Breath by Todd Agnew."  REALLY?  I laughed, knowing God didn't want me to give up on the song, He had a plan.  That Sunday, i stood in front of the performers i had picked for the song and the entire dance came to me.  And it was beautiful.

Another time, i was at my end...i was done.  We were in NV, Tim was no longer working at the church and wanted nothing to do with church, my boss had put me in an impossible position and i had to leave the company - and i was driving with my sun roof open in the pouring rain, SCREAMING at Him to tell me why this was happening - and the song "Cry Out To Jesus" came on.  I pulled over, and just sobbed.   And then i got a message from our church in VA, they had just sent a check, and told us to come home and heal. 

So today, when i was asking God why He was so silent, He made me realize, He is not silent, i am not listening.  He has the answers to my questions, He is there for me all the time, but the only time i remember to lean on Him is when i hear Him. 

This verse has popped up in my life in some of the oddest, most amazing, incredible and funny times.  It was the main verse for my Emmaus Walk, on a day i had completely fallen apart, it was on a billboard on the side of the road in the middle of no where.   I have gone into a convenience store where someone was lost and needed a word, and a small plaque was there, with ps. 46.10 and i bought it for them, letting them know to just listen, He is talking.

So next time i wonder why He is not talking...i need to shut up...and listen.  I am talking too much, and i can't hear him.  

P.S.  this song sums it up just fine:    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSrGWhd1-uI

I love you. 

Pre-Marital Baggage

Ah, you get married, you fall in love, you share the vows....life is going to be wonderful and perfect and happy and just ..... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, perfect.

And then reality kicks in.   Those moments where you look at your spouse in total bafflement...how can they be so freaking stupid?  Where the heck did that idiotic habit come from and why are they not on MY PAGE?

Well, did you look at each others past?   YOUR past and THEIR past?   Did you watch how your spouse treated their parents...and most importantly, how they were treated BY their parents?  Did you listen how they spoke of their ex partners, whether they just dated or were married?   Did you think all the scars from their past didn't matter?

Going in first person here -

I am what you call an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  In my case, i was so lucky, i had two alcoholics in my past.   I was going to meetings, to learn how to cope with my issues, but i had already had a marriage under my belt when i met Tim.   I had (and still do) issues that needed addressing.  I went to counseling, i worked so hard on being a great mom to Jenn, and that included no drinking or hitting.   But, i have scars...and they run very very deep.

Then, i met Tim, otherwise known as Tall, Dark and Handsome.    Oh, my gosh, the perfect man.  A Minister, a single dad that had custody of his little girl...oh my gosh...this is just PERFECT.  His parents had been married forever, they met in 6th grade!  How Perfect!

Hmm.  Not so fast.   His family had issues. and they weren't spoken about...they were pushed under the rug, so much so that it now resembles Mt. Rushmore.    He had a divorce - and while he never spoke bad of his ex, he had scars...deep scars.

I had never seen a HEALTHY marriage.  While some of my friends had happy parents, my mother was sure to drop hints and comments about things that weren't all they seemed and the wife did this and the dad did that...and so i always believed they drank and fought just like my parents.   Then i went to college and i had the wonderful blessing of sitting next to Christy, a commuter who still lived at home.  And her dad, seeing me leave campus every Friday afternoon, asked me where i was going and i let him know i was leaving the campus because i couldn't stand the smell of the fish they were serving.  And he invited me to his house...and i saw a loving, happy, strong marriage.   I went there a lot, and just soaked in the love.  Oh my gosh, i have told Christy many a time, her parents helped me become the parent i am, and i love them for it.

Okay, so while Tim had always had his parents around him, he never saw them argue.  His mother proudly told me that and expected me to do the same.  Never argue in front of the children, they need to see a united front.   Yeah, guess how that played out the first time he and i had a disagreement?  He expected me to side with him, and not disagree, we were a united front.  Yeah, oh heck no.  The funny thing, is it was over something so stupid, it was about my music.  While we dated, all those cd's were there, and he never said a word.  We were married for 2 weeks and he let me know he didn't like them and didn't want them played in his house.   Yeah, guess how i reacted to that?   It was not pretty.

It wasn't long before it was clear we needed counseling.   We had agreed before we said our vows that Divorce Was Not A Option.  We both had been through one, we weren't going through it again.  We worked through many an issue...and have been to counseling a few times since then....i am not ashamed about it - i am fighting for my marriage, for the lives of my children...and if we need to go again, we will.  

Life throws curves - more kids (how dare he not agree with me on how to raise MY kids??!!? and oh my gosh, i am exhausted)  Jobs (really?  you have to work 65 hours this week, every week?) Moves (i am lonely, i miss my friends, why did your job take us so far away from my friend?) Hobbies (yeah, we have nothing in common there) oh my gosh, even our first year of marriage, we were screaming for opposite teams in the superbowl (his team won, let's not talk about it).  And sadly, a near death experience that caused so many physical and emotional issues (and let me tell you, he was amazing, he still is to this day).

So before you throw in the towel, think of what you both brought into the marriage, and how are you going to work through them.  Remember his past, remember your past - were there scars that will never heal, but can be soothed?   Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of...it is showing each other you are willing to fight for what you have.  It shows your kids that they were conceived in love, so much love, you are going to fight to keep it going.

Oh, and hey, if you want true hell, true absolute misery, true pain that leaves horrific scars...put your kid on a plane for Christmas because the other parent has custody that year and then your mind goes rampant with all the things that can happen to that plane.  Spend your first holiday without your children, and realize that it is going to happen again and again for years to come.  Tim and i had to put our girls on a plane right after 9/11, it was ...indescribable.  And if you think you two will never live that far apart, so that isn't a problem...think again...one has to go where the work is.


Well, hey, while it would be nice to have a perfect marriage, it isn't going to happen.  To put it quite mildly, you have to fight for what you love.  That includes your marriage, raising your kids, keeping your friendships, your job...life is a battle - but it is so worth it.

I love you and i am praying for you.

Being Thankful

Thinking back to my teenage years, Thanksgiving was anything but a thankful time.  Divorce, alcoholism, abuse, turmoil, it just wasn't a thankful time. 
But, thinking back, there were things to be thankful for.  
My big brother was always there.  He and i became closer, because we were all we had.  Even though we didn't always see eye to eye, years later, he and his wife are vital in my life.
I had friends.  While most did not know of the conflict i was dealing with, i had some fun.  Funny thing, is now, 30 years later, we are opening up and i have learned that a several of my classmates were in the same boat i was.   If we had only felt close enough to talk back then....
I learned to write.   My writing became a tool of survival.  I wrote about everything.  Recently i found a book of short stories i wrote.  Some were published, many were not.  When i read them, i can even remember why i wrote them, what situation i was in that caused me to write it. 

But, what i am thankful for most, is that my life made me who i am today.  I am strong, so very strong, and learned to handle a lot of crisis, i learned to rely on myself when i needed something.   God had a plan for me....and my past made it possible for me to follow His plan.

Am i thankful that alcohol ruined my high school years - no, but i can talk to kids who are dealing with the same issue and they know i understand.  They hear the sincerity in my voice when i tell them i know where they are coming from.

Am i thankful for thinking my life was so worthless, it wasn't worth living?  No, but i know the darkness.  I have told many a kid, if you are there, don't you dare go any further without calling me first, or i will never forgive you.   I have been called so many times, day and night, and i am so thankful.

Am i grateful to school admin/teachers who only managed to make matters worse?  No, but ask my kids, i always took their word first, and whenever they were accused of something, i stood for them.   And when kids are having issues, i stand up for them.

Did i enjoy the war between parents that led to divorce?  No, but kids know i am there for them, and that i understand.  I know the hell of the screaming at night, and the exhaustion of being a tool between parents.   And i am thankful for that.

And, the worst, the assault.   That still haunts me, but ....yeah...even that...God has used for the good.  I have kids come to me, when they were ashamed to tell anyone else.  I held them as they cried, i helped them go to their parents and even gone to the police a few times.  And they were thankful i was there, and i was thankful i could be there, too.

No, i was not thankful back then, but all i was made me what i am today. 

And for that, I am very thankful. 

Let's Talk Step Children

One of the most disgusting things i was ever asked - "Well, if you divorced Tim, you would never want to see Talina again, would you?"  My response - "I would sue him for custody and i would win"

Talina has been in my life since she was 6.   I actually met Talina before i met her father, my husband.  I was called in to help tutor her, she had just moved to the area and needed to play catch up with the FL school system.   She was quiet and shy with this beautiful long hair, and it was a huge success if i got her to smile.   Then, one day, she came in, and her hair was cut shorter than mine.  I wanted to hold her and soothe her and make all her pain go away.

Five months later, i met her father...the rest is history.

She became my daughter. Before Tim and i married, we found a home, and when Jenn and i moved in, we took her with us while Tim remained in his apartment - i didn't want Jenn to have seniority over her and place her stamp all over the house.

When we built our home, the two bedrooms were exactly the same size, exactly the same closets, windows, etc.   Two girls, the same age, same grade, different friends, different activities, i attended them all. 

Raising someone elses' child is not easy.   She had different tastes, mannerisms and when she went to her mothers, she always came home with issues.    And dealing with the other parent was...well, you know.

I knew it had to be hard for her, namely when the boys came along, because she was the odd one, the only child i didn't give birth to.  I told her that made her special, she was the only one who didn't give me stretch marks.   Eventually, that changed to Talina is my favorite child, because she came without stretch marks.

I had someone tell me "I married my husband, i didn't marry the children."   Really?  They were a package deal, just like Tim and Talina were my package deal.  You marry one, you get the other.  

I was lucky, she was only 6, and she really didn't remember her life with her mother.  But there were times she came back from summer vacation with the "You can't tell me what to do, you aren't my mother."  And then as a teenager, it became "I am going to live with my mother, she won't make me do......"  But through all that, she never called me her step mother, i was just mom.


I have thanked God over and over again for my Snook - a nickname i gave her before Tim and i were married.    When she sings, i get the chills, it is that beautiful.    There are times she starts to laugh...and then can't stop.  I say her giggle box got knocked over.   The hardest experience i ever had as a parent was with Talina - we got through it, and developed a stronger bond.

We have laughed privately, when people have said how much she looks like me.  Oh sure, she is blonde, i am a redhead.  I have freckles, she has clear skin.  She has brown eyes, i have gray eyes.  I am as tall as she is short.  Yup, twins!

I am so very blessed with Talina.   She is my blessing, my extra gift from God.  I have loved watching her grow, blossom and become the lovely lady she is today.

And hey, she is my favorite child, because she came without stretch marks.

Yeah, let's talk special needs.

Yesterday, I was asked if it was hard to raise a child with special needs and did i resent God for this situation. 

I was so shocked, at first i said nothing, but then i said "No, i think God must love me and trust me with one of his most wonderful blessings." and then i walked away.

But then i started thinking about it (Ever notice your best answers come after you walk away?).

Special needs?  One of my children has special needs?   And people feel the need to point that child out?
 No, each of my children have special needs -

Jenn, my oldest, has the need for one on one time with people.  She needs to be told when to slow down, and when she is pushing herself too hard.  She has moments when she falters, and she needs to be lifted up again with love and encouragement. She won't hesitate to push and push hard and may need to be reminded to take a deep breath. Oh my, she does have special needs.

Talina, well, she is a different story - she constantly needs to be reminded how incredibly wonderful she is.  She needs to be pushed when she falters, and she needs things around her that make her happy to keep her spirits up.  She needs affirmation and unconditional love at all times.  Whew...talk about special needs.

Then there is my Nate, who this person was talking about.  Yes, he has autism, he also has a huge heart that he spreads around, wanting to take care of anyone who isn't feeling well or needs a hand.  He needs reminding to be patient and accepting, he needs someone to love and to tend to .   He needs to hear that he has done well, and he needs to be taught with an understanding hand.

And then there is my miracle, Ben.   Wow, talk about special needs.  He needs constant affirmation, constant love.  He needs to be hugged and needs to hug.  He needs help with organization and help limiting his activities so he doesn't get sick.  He needs reminding of patience and understanding and of brushing his teeth.

I should have asked that lady which special need child was she speaking of - and how her special needs children are.   Each child in this world has a special need, each one has something that sets them apart from others. 

I Thank God for His amazing love for giving me four kids that match the gifts He has given me.  Each child matches a gift i have, from pushing, to pulling, to convincing, to hugging, to affirm, to scold, to monitor, and to love.

I love you.

the month of being thankful, all year round.

The best part of November is that it is the month of being thankful.  Every day, you will see posts of what everyone is thankful for...from friends and family, to animals to ...anything.  Personally, today, i posted that I am thankful for my crockpot....i use mine so often, it never leaves my counter.  For Valentine's Day, my boys bought me a three station one...oh my gosh...the things i - okay, wait, let me get back on point.
I love knowing what others are thankful for, every time i read one, i am reminded how much i have to be thankful for.  I have amazing family, friends, gifts from God, gifts from friends...i wouldn't have this home if it wasn't for the love of a friend....i am so overwhelmed at times. 
When i started this blog, it was because God was giving me so many messages for so many people, through it, i have been able to touch people, many i don't even know because friends share the messages.
I am thankful i have been able to open my heart and mind to God.  I am thankful that He was patient with me, through all my stupidity, my not listening to Him when He spoke to me.  Since i finally opened my ears, He talks to me.  He tells me when to pray for specific people and when to reach out to them to let them know He is there for them.  He gives me words that i post for others and they feel encouraged.   I read what others are saying in response to His message and I feel encouraged. 
I need to post all year round what i am thankful for - my list is longer than 30 days, it is longer than 365 days.
My list is endless, because His love is endless.
I love you.

Coca Cola Lip Gloss

Remember that book?  Are you there God, it's me Margaret?

I must admit when i read the book, i read it because everyone was reading it and it was the thing to do.  I tried wearing wedges, because...well, she wore them and it was the thing to wear.  
I went through a harriet the spy thing...so i wrote everything in my diary, everything.   What i thought of everyone and then was terrified someone was going to read it (my mother did, then she wrote it in...wow...trauma).
When i think about my youth, i realize, it took a long time for me to find me.  I copied what others wore and what others did and what others watched.
I remember being bummed, because everyone was watching Happy Days, and my mother found it to risque and wouldn't let me watch it. Then i finally got to watch it...no big thrill.
One of my best friends LOVED coca cola lipgloss, so i bought some....can you tell you how much i hated that stuff?  Oh my goodness, but i kept putting that crap on my lips and i hated it so much...but hey, i thought it was how i was going to be cool.
I have tried to fit in, i can't tell you how many times.
Then one day, i realized i had to stop.
It wasn't like i had a HUGE revelation that wow, I CAN BE ME!!  It actually was because of the coca cola lip gloss.   There i was, in the store, about to buy my umteenth tube of it (i was KNOWN for it, boys joked about it, girls asked to borrow my cola) and i saw watermelon lip gloss.  Oh wow, i loved watermelon.  It was like...my favorite fruit.  I loved watermelon.  So...wow, i bought watermelon.  And i tried it on...and oh wow, i loved it.  Funny thing, kids actually noticed and a few said it was cool and they were glad i got rid of that awful other lip gloss.....
It started something.  I got rid of the awful uncomfortable shoes that were cool and i got blue sueded earth shoes (remember them?  Heels lower than the front, totally comfortable).
Now, it wasn't a huge moment, i didn't throw all the stuff out and start all over - but gradually, it was easier to look at what i liked.  I got teased a lot..i tried different things with my hair, many were bombs.  I tried wearing different style shirts, i loved clogs.  I laugh now, i was teased for wearing clogs when i was in high school...years later, every one wears that and they are still the only shoes i can wear comfortably. 
I watch kids today, going through the same thing i went through, trying to fit in, trying to make myself more attractive, more along the same lines of everyone else, trying to make friends, trying to be what they think the others want them to be.
I keep thinking "that's not what God has in mind"  He doesn't want everyone to look alike, act alike, be the same.  Yes, we are all created in HIS image, but He drew us the way he wanted us.  He wanted me to have long stringy hair and my son to have beautiful curly hair.   He made some of us heavier, others thinner, some tall, some short...and for us all to have our own minds.   Our own opinions.  Our own tastes.
But how to get the kids around me to know it is okay to be themselves?  How to get them to understand that being oneself is a good thing?  
I pray for our youth.  I pray they see the beauty in being who they are.  I pray they learn that not everyone has to like coca cola lip gloss, that it is okay to like the watermelon lipgloss.  
Maybe i can hunt some of that disgusting lipgloss down one day and use it as a sermon illustration. 
I love who you are.

Playing Dress Up

Halloween, a day of fun, dressing up as your dream person, acting like someone you wish you could be.

Kids often dress up as super heroes, as a fairy princess, as a sport star - anyone better, different, than themselves.

Most of us don't need halloween for that.  We change our faces, our attitudes, our mannerisms, to match the people around us, trying to get them to like us.

Remember school?  Acting cool, acting like something different hurt when it did, acting like something didn't bother you when it did, acting like it didn't shock you, when it did.  

When someone put you down, you would act cool and laugh it off, even though inside, you were dying, trying not to cry.  When you saw them putting others down, you pretended it was cool, because you wanted to fit in. 

Gosh, looking back...horrors.

And now, we are .....older....and we still have problems just being ourselves.  

In a crowd of people, we find ourselves working on blending in. We watch what others do, and morph into the person that best fits in.  

Watch how others dress and dress like them, watch what they eat and try to eat like them.  See someone thinner and you try to be thinner.

I don't think that is what God had in mind.  He didn't want everyone to fit in and be like everyone else.

Romans 12:2  - Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Reading that this morning, i realized God doesn't want everyone to be the same, He wants us to focus on HIM and do HIS will -  the will HE gives you.  He gives us all gifts, and He needs us to use those gifts to spread the Word, and we are all to spread the Word in a different way -  because people hear the word in a different way.  

The seed was planted in me during High School.   Over the next dozen years, God was brought in and out of my life, so many people attempted to bring me to the Lord, to Jesus Christ and nothing stuck.  Then, when i was 29, someone taught me unconditional love.  The sermon by Jim Holbrook was 1 Cor. 13, about unconditional love...and suddenly, He was there.  Jesus Christ came to me and it all fell together and my life was whole.  

Over the years, God has had me say things, do things, behave according to His will, and others have been touched and felt the spirit.    If i didn't behave according to His plan,  i would miss the opportunity to be there for others, others who need to have the Lord in their life, just the way i needed Him in my life.  

I am different than everyone, all my friends are different.  We get together and act silly and do goofy things together, but in the end we are all different.   I don't judge them for their difference, i speak up when they hurt me, and i don't wear clothes i don't like.   

After I accepted Christ, it became easy to be me, because i learned HE LOVES ME...just the way i am. Because i am being who He wants me to be.  And my friends, the friends that matter, love me just the way i am.

And i love you.  Just the way you are.  


 

Thank You God, for my friends

I am exhausted, there are no other words.  I am so tired, i could put my head down and sleep for several hours and still not feel like i have had enough sleep.

I am not the only one, we are all exhausted.   Life is exhausting, and we, as wonder women, can do it all, no matter how tired we are...right?

When will we be able to get rid of that thought?  When will we, as women, say "NO!  I am tired, don't ask me to do anymore, i need sleep!"  Why do we always feel like we should do more, make more, clean more, cook more?  why do we compare ourselves to other women and think we need to raise up and meet that standard?    why, why, why, why?

How do we get off this merry-go-round and breathe?

I am blessed, i have friends who i can lean on and ask for help, and i am doing that more and more, and i pray they are doing that more and more with me. 

If someone is going to the store and asks "Do you need anything?" I used to say no, i would be going later...no more!  Yeah, bring me back a gallon of milk and eggs!   I i am running into town, i will let others know, so they can contact me and either bum a ride (which does make the trip more interesting and often ends up going in a totally different direction!) or ask me to get something.

I have picked sick kids up for school, people have brought my kids to different places.  I have delivered food to friends, they have delivered it to my house.  If i have clothes their kids can use, i hand them over and visa versa.

I believe friendship is the most amazing, wonderful, fantastic, grand parts of life.  I love my friends, i pray for them every single day.   I am honored that my friends call me, and send me prayer requests and send me random texts that they are praying for me.

On this happy friday, i just want to take the time to THANK GOD, for all my friends.  Whether near or far, i can count on them and they can count on me.   I love our time together, texts, calls, facebook messages, silly moments we share.   Everyone is different, every one fills a hole in my life. 

I am so blessed.

I love you.

don't speak at all.

There is nothing worse than standing in front of someone, who is wracked with grief, and you don't know what to say.
However, for that person, sometimes it is worse when someone opens their mouth.
I call it a pissing contest.
If you are sicker, someone has to tell you all the horrors of their last illness.
If you are pregnant, oh, those labor stories.
A woman needs a hysterectomy, someone is going to tell them all the nightmares they experienced.
Hot flashes? Theirs were worse.  Debt - they are drowning in it.  Headache - their head is going to explode.
And on and on and on.
But what can you say?
When someone just lost someone dear - what do you say?
When someone is watching their child laying in a hospital bed.
When they just learned they need surgery or have something seriously wrong with them?
When their spouse just left them.
When their kids have become strangers.
In the past twenty years of the ministry, i learned a very valuable lesson. 
Silence is golden.
Sometimes, just holding that persons hand, and letting them cry is the most powerful gift you can give them.
Bringing food, or doing their laundry, so they can focus on their loved one - not talking while you are there, just silently do all the laundry.
A hug when you see someone falling apart, but not offering words.
But that entire time, pray.  Pray for that family, for the child, for the parents, for the marriage.  If they ask, you can pray with them.  Sometimes they just want to hear someone pray, sometimes they just need to pray and know where two or more are gathered in His name, He is in the midst of them (Matthew 18:20).
Just be there.  That is all they may need, just someone there.
If you need me, let me know.  I am here.
I love you.

he can attack, but ....

Recently, several friends including myself, have spoken of being under attack.   Just having the feeling of doom, feeling overwhelmed, thinking horrible thoughts.  For the past several weeks, i have felt like i am going to die soon.  I have had thoughts of my house not being clean enough and when i am gone, people have bad thoughts of my housekeeping abilities.  I have had thoughts that God isn't real, and why am i wasting my time?

Satan really tries, doesn't he?  He will come after us time and time again, hoping to find a weak spot, hoping to find a hole he can crawl into.  Once in, he will tear security and happiness apart.

Years ago, someone suggested i scream at him.  Scream to get him to leave me alone.  

And ya know what - it works for me.  I go outside, or in my car for a drive, and i just let loose. 

"SATAN, get out of my life, i don't have room for you and i am SAVED by the blood!  Jesus loves me THIS I KNOW!  Because the BIBLE TELLS ME SO!!!!   God is in my life, Jesus is in my soul, and you need to GET OUT!" 

I will scream this at the top of my lungs, at time until my throat is raw.  If anyone is driving by me, they must think i am a raving lunatic.  I just got a new neighbor, maybe i should warn them?

I will scream, and then i feel relief.  Calling out on the blood of Jesus heals me. 

I have suggested this to others, one person just yesterday - go out and scream.  The first time, they may be a bit tentative, giving it a half-hearted attempt...but after a while, it gets really easy to start screaming. 

I am odd, i have always taken being attacked as a compliment.  With Higher Power Performance Team, right before a recital, the attacks would come and try to destroy us.  And when he was attacking, i fought him off and smiled - because that told me the recital was awesome, and we were doing something powerful for the Lord.   If i am talking to someone, praying with them over the phone, i can't tell you how many times we have been disconnected in the middle of the prayer - and i smile and think "Gee, dude, making you nervous, aren't i?"

The more you love the Lord, the more satan hates you.   Fight him off with everything you have, SCREAM at the top of your lungs, laugh at him.  Satan will hate you, and God will be standing behind you with a hand on your shoulder and a smile on His face.

And if you need someone to scream with you, call me.  I love screaming my love the for the Lord.

I love you. 

Perfection....Not.

I am not perfect.

There, i said it...whew, what a load off my chest.....i am sorry if i shocked anyone, but the truth needs to be known.

I yell at my kids at the wrong times, i am grumpy towards my husband when he doesn't deserve it.  I forget to call my friends, burn dinner, forget that my sons are out of clean underwear.

Seriously, i know several of my friends just laughed while reading that....saying "Yeah...no, sharon, we know that about you!"  Yet, my family and friends love me, they accept me, faults and all, and even laugh with me during my falls. 

Okay, so here is my question - if it is okay for you to love me and support me even though i am not perfect - why can't you love yourself for the exact same reason?

Why can you love me, flaws and all, but not love yourself?  

Why do you strive to be so perfect?   Who are you trying to impress?  Who do you think needs you to be perfect?  Do you think your children will permanently be emotionally damaged if they don't have clean socks?  Do you think your friends will only like you if your house is spotless and you have a garden worthy of buckingham palace?  If you have fresh cookies in the cookie jar instead of oreos? 

God doesn't want you to be perfect, He expected that of his Son, but not of all His children.   God has a sense of humor (i have four kids and am married to a minister - enough said) and He is a loving Father. 

Your friends don't want perfection, they want you.  Who wants to hang out with someone who is perfect, who never makes mistakes and does everything better?

And your family - years from now, all your mistakes will be something to be talked about during a family reunion.  Last time my kids were all in the same room, we laughed over some of the fun and odd things we had all done.  My grandchildren will have all heard the story about exploding eggs.

Perfection - it isn't what people want from you.  They want your time, your laughter, and stories of your mistakes...that they can all relate to.   They will laugh WITH you, not at you.

Forgiveness is Devine...namely when you forgive yourself. 

I love you.

Friday Eve

So it is thursday, probably one of the hardest days of the week....you made it through most of the week, however, you will have ONE MORE DAY to go, before the weekend.
Ugh.
And, remember school?  Friday was spelling tests and math tests, so thursday was always a night of studying (or at least trying to study ((or pretending to study))).
Double Ugh.
Trying to cheer myself up, i have changed it from Thursday to Friday Eve...Just saying the word Friday somehow makes the day better.
I am trying to make everything..happier...better - a more optimist outlook in my life.
I have always had the rule of not watching movies with unhappy endings.
I no longer read crime novels.
I now listen to books while cleaning - i love to read, i have to clean, this is the best of both worlds.
I burn a lot of happy smelling candles.
I turned a hallway into my happy place...full of pictures and silly things that make me smile (my Flutie bear and my sunshine bear always make me smile)
I have happy coffee mugs. Believe it or not, that does make a difference!  It is the perfect size, which is wonderful and it has a happy message, which is wonderful and i enjoy seeing it on my desk.
In every room in my house, there is something that makes me smile....if i am feeling down, i just look at - a picture, a plaque, a plant, something - that always makes me smile. 
Christmas/Chanukah is around the corner, i am sneaking in some items scattered about...getting excited about it.  All my gifts will be homemade, and making them is bringing a smile to my face.

And by doing this, i laugh more.  I drive my kids nuts with my cheerful attitude.  The things that normally drove me down don't see to affect me as much. 
Don't get me wrong, i still get exhausted, overwhelmed and moody, but now, i have arranged the world around me to lift myself up.
I put bible verses around my house that remind me that GOD IS ALWAYS here for me.  When i feel at my worst, i can count on Him to hold me, lift me up, or send someone in my path to do the work for Him.

It's funny how the smell of a candle, or a picture of my babies can make the whole world a better place.
I love you. 




 

Look in the mirror....

Did you ever stop and think - wow, i am amazing?

Seriously, amazing.   Look at our bodies, created in the womb.   Put together in 9 months, two tiny objects come together and then they form, mold and shape, creating a tiny little child.  Not always completely perfect in human eyes, but perfect in HIS eyes and that is all that should matter.

All formed the same way, we are all different.   Blonde, brunettes or (fantastic) red heads.  Blue, brown, green, gray eyes.  Freckles, or not.  So many difference, all made by the same Maker, all made in His image.

And yet, we are never satisfied with what we have.  We never like what we see in the mirror.  

Why is that?

Why can't we look in the mirror and say "God, wow, you done good!  Thank You for ALL You have given me!  I am HAPPY with what i have?"

Well, let me tell you, i like you just the way you are.  I like your smile, your attitude, the way you style your hair.  I like being with you.

Look in the mirror, right now...and say "I LIKE ME!"

I love you.  

Hello Lord

Hello Lord, How are You Today?

So, this morning, during my prayer time, i was asking God who needed prayer - and he said "everyone."  I must admit, that took me back for a second...EVERYONE, LORD?   really?

yes, everyone.

Right now, the world is spinning with the suicide of Robin Williams, and everyone i know has someone in their life that fights this awful disease.  They know someone who doesn't know how to breathe, because the darkness around them is so fierce, so horrible, they literally can't breathe.
And it is made worse by those who don't understand, who think it is just a phase someone is going through and they need to "snap out of it."
I went through ppd after i had Nate.  Oh my gosh, it was horrible.  I couldn't stop crying and everything seemed to fall in my path to make it worse.  Right after he was born, we received the death certificate of family murdered in concentration camps.  The boy was 2 years, 11 months.  I was holding my son, imaging him being dragged away and murdered.  Then the history channel had a show about concentration camps and had a scene in the gas chamber.  After being hysterical for about an hour, i cancelled the channel.  I still have bouts, and chose to take medication instead of suffering.
I realize now, that is what my mother had.  That is why she drank and took so many pills, she did what she did to try to battle away the walls of pain.  I wonder if my mother ever knew true happiness, people she grew up with in holland said she always was different, never satisfied.

Our military boys, all coming back, dealing with PTSD.   How many of them are dying a day, because they aren't getting the help they need?

How many families are ruined due to the blackness of depression?  How many kids don't know what a happy home is like because of depression?  How many friends do i personally have, that can barely get out of bed in the morning?

So i prayed.  And i prayed some more.

And i will keep praying for my family, my friends, my community, the world, that people in pain will reach out...and touch someone who cares.

Emotional Healing

Emotional Healing

Hi Lord....
Today is your day of rest. .. yet so many of my friends are struggling to rest their heart and mind.   So many stress points keep them up at night,  they get out of bed exhausted, and force themselves to go through the day.  They are using caffeine , sugar and 5 hour energy to keep going every day.   Lord,  please help us help each other.   Help us lean on each other,  strengthen each other and share what we have to give each other a full night of sleep.   I thank You for all I have been blessed with,  the people you have placed in my life and have made my life easier.   I pray I am a blessing to others.   I will pray for those who don't know that they have others near by to help them.   Help me,  help us, help them have a full night sleep.   I love you.

RIP Jean Riffe

Hi Lord,
Today I had to say goodbye to a lady that has been part of my life for well over a decade, and while driving to the church,  I mentioned to Tim that it seems to be a time in our life where our friends are leaving us.   In one day,  two friends passed away.   On one hand,  I am devastated, on the other hand, I am happy there is no more pain,  they have reached their goal of heaven.   It is hard to cry when I imagine them as cancer free, dancing with their family who have already passed on.
But how long will it be before I don't open my email and expect a joke from jean, or sit down and start writing a letter to Annie?
I found myself paying for friends and classmates.   I lost both my parents years ago,  I have adjusted to the feeling of being an orphan.   Several are now dealing with their parents being ill,  struggling with a variety of health issues. So many are losing the ones closest to them and are struggling with depression,  loss and loneliness.
I don't know who came up with time heals all wounds,  but I found love heals better than time.   My friends love and support healed me.  Knowing I am not alone,  that heals me.  And I pray I can be the for others.
You are never alone.   I love you.

Good Morning, Lord

Good Morning Lord.

Today, I spent a lot of time praying for kids about to go back to school who are looking at it with dread and fear.  I used to love/hate school.  I loved getting out of the house, away from the issues there, but i hated going to school and dealing with the issues there.  Let's face it, there have always been mean kids and kids who were bullied.
But now, it is so much worse.   There are kids who can't get away anywhere from the bullying day after day.   Kids use text and the internet to attack each other.  Some of our children can't find peace anywhere and so they harm themselves, or kill themselves, hoping to end the pain.
I pray for the kids who eat alone at lunch, who tried to hide their daily pain by covering their faces with a book, hoping no one notices them.  I pray for the kids who take every mean word to heart and believe they are no good and deserve to be picked on all day.
I am praying for the kid who sees no way out and can't find anyone to help them.
I am praying for the child who thinks harming themselves is the way to ease the pain that is building up inside.
And i am asking the Lord to put me in a childs path that is so lost, they need to see someone who will unconditionally love them and help them through the darkness.
I am praying for the bully that is acting out because this is all they see at home...they are picked on and brought down, so they do the same.
Lord, i ask you help me be there, for my own kids when they are down, and other kids who are looking for someone to care for them.  Help our children see they are not alone, there are people who want to be there for them.
Lord, help me be a better mother, friend, companion and helper.  Help me help those that are hurting, the way some helped me, when i had fallen down and couldn't find the strength to stand back up again.  Amen.
I love you. 

Get Well

Happy Friday....get well soon please.

Reading my facebook and the prayer chains i am part of, i was stunned by how many people are ill...mentally and physically.  Some are dealing with summer colds - and let's face it, if you have a winter cold, people can sympathise, but if you have a summer cold...where is the chicken soup???   Some are battling other health issues, some are just so worn down mentally, they are sincerely struggling.  Sadly, many are just tired...tired of the constant struggles.  Financially, they will never see the end of the bills, emotionally, they are dealing with depression, feeling unloved, dealing with teenagers, sick kids, job struggles, marriage struggles.

And when you are depressed, tired, sick, worn down, you feel so incredibly alone.   God is far away, none of your friends pick up their phone, no one seems to answer their email or they are on vacation, a vacation you can't afford or take time to go on.  

You aren't alone.

When we are down, satan is at his strongest.  He tears into you, hitting you on all your weak spots, finding your vunerable spots and exploiting your pain.  That is when you scream OUT LOUD for God to hold you tight in HIS arms.  You call someone, and don't call once, call again, so if they aren't available right away, they will see you called several times and know you need them.   You are not allowed, but satan wants you to believe you are.  You have friends, but satan wants you to believe they don't care of you.   God is always with you, He will never leave you.  

Fight for the right to be happy, He loves you and so do i.

Be YOU

Be YOU, not who they want you to be.

School is starting again, and once again, the peer pressure will at times overwhelm you.  Kids will want to you do things you don't normally do, act like you don't normally act and change to meet their standards.   This is my advice to you, if someone wants you to change so much to meet their requirements, they are not your friends.  Friends accept you for who you are, they like you for your looks, actions, attitudes, hobbies, they like YOU.
You are made the way you are supposed to be.   It might be hard to find friends like you, but there are people like you.   People who are trying to fit in someone else's mold because they are desperate to be friends.
Be who you are and show who you are.  If you like to play card games, bring them to the lunch table, someone is bound to say "Hey, you do that? So do i!"  If you like a certain tv show, wear a shirt or bring a book about it, someone who likes the same thing will notice and you can start a conversation.  My first good friends in high school wrote, like me.  Then i found friends who were into environmental quality, and i found this amazing group called SEQ - students for environmental quality, and we became friends.  If there isn't a club or program that matches your liking, talk to the school about starting one.
Don't be someone else, people love you for who you are.    I love you, and i am always here for you.

Guilty Conscience

Guilty Conscience

Funny, isn't it?  When you walk into a room and people stop talking...and you are convinced they were talking about you.  Or someone posts something nasty on Facebook towards the world in general, and you are convinced it is directed at you.  Or you call someone, and they don't pick up the phone, and you know it is because they don't want to talk to you.  Or someone says "I need to talk to you." and you are convinced it is because you did something wrong?   Or someone barely talks to you, and you are convinced it is because they really don't like you, or that you did something to offend them.

That's me.  I always have the feeling i have done something to offend someone, or that they are angry at me, or that they are avoiding me, because they really don't like me.

Sometimes, it occurs to me...hey, the world doesn't revolve around me.  I am not so important that people are talking about me all the time.   Or that someone doesn't come up and talk to me because..gee, they might be going through something stressful and are distracted.   And that "Hey, i need to talk to you," just might be something good and they want to tell me all about it.

I sincerely stress myself out over what others may or may not think of me.  How stupid is that?  Should it bother me if someone thinks i don't fit their model of an ideal friend?  Or that that my body isn't good enough for them?  Or that they don't like my children?  Or that ..or that....or that....or that...my list can go on.

I am what God made me.  I can improve myself, i can do things to make my life better, BUT it is NOT my job to make my life perfect for someone else.   If someone doesn't like the way i laugh, or the type of books i read, or the way i look....oh well.  Then that person is not meant to be my friend.

And if people stop talking when i walk in the room...it can be because "DANG I LOOK GOOD!"   If someone doesn't answer the phone, it can be because they are working, or spending time with their kids, or lost their phone...all of which are the reason i don't answer the phone.

If someone posts something angry on facebook, oh hey, they have over 800 friends...chances are, it isn't about me.

I need to lighten up on myself.  I need to stop feeling guilty, or bad, or ashamed or ...whatever.  I am who i am.   i like me.

I love you.  

Photoshop Fails

Photoshop Fails

Yesterday, while scrolling around on the computer, waiting for my next shift, i saw a headline "biggest photoshop fails" so i clicked to see what it was about.   And my heart cracked.
The site was full of people trying to "improve" their body, and failing miserably.   And i couldn't laugh, i just thought...jeepers, how sad.   Girls thinning their waistline, men making their abs stand out, or giving themselves bigger muscles, girls enhancing this and removing that....no one was happy with their body.
No one was happy with their body.   How sad is that?
Years ago, God gave me a message.  I was teaching bible study for middle schoolers and i was stunned with the nasty comments and the cutting down they were doing for each other.  So i prayed, and i prayed, asking for help on how to tell them that it was wrong, cutting people and teasing and hurting...was against HIS will.
And HE gave me a message, which i showed to my students the following sunday.
First, i drew a picture and if anyone has seen my drawings, you are currently laughing, because I can't draw to save my life.
And in class, i showed the kids my picture and told them i drew a self portrait, what did they think?  And they laughed.  They laughed out loud, pointing at my picture and just roaring.  So then, i said "Okay, but what are you laughing at?  This piece of paper?  Or are you laughing at me, because i drew the picture?"  They all agreed they were laughing at me and how bad an artist i am.  "Okay," i said.  "So when you are laughing and making fun of another person, are you laughing at them, or are you laughing at the artist, who drew that person?"  They said nothing.  "Because GOD drew each and every person on this earth.  He designed them, just the way He wanted them to be, with their red hair, or freckles, or long legs, or strange voice, or their hunchback.  HE drew them...and if you are laughing at them, picking on them, teasing them...you are making fun of GOD."  The room was completely silent.  "And how does that make you feel?" I finished.  Several of them admitted they felt horrible.  The following sunday, a few came up to me and told me they apologized to a classmate for their actions.

I wish that message could be shouted from the rooftops - GOD MADE YOU PERFECT!! 

I know how hard it is, God didn't make me the stunning beauty i wanted to be.  I was too heavy, too bland, freckles, straight boring hair...oh, and big feet.   Now, at the ripe old age of 50, i see that physical beauty doesn't matter to those who love me.  My true friends see me as a fun, pretty, loving person.  My husband says i am beautiful (i know i look AMAZING when he doesn't have his contacts in).  My children only see the love i have for them, and that makes me pretty in their eyes.

If i knew then what i know now...that those people in my life that mattered thought i was great, pretty and just fine.   Those who weren't meant to be in my life saw what they wanted to see and found me lacking...and their opinion shouldn't have mattered so much to me.

To see kids photoshopping themselves to deformity, so sad.  All i can do is pray that someone reminds them that God made them PERFECT in HIS eyes....and i ain't going to argue with God

The world of mom

doing dishes...scrubbing bathrooms.....folding laundry

So, i was talking to several friends, and every time i asked "what are you doing?" the answer included chores...the laundry, the dishes, the toilets, the windows....and the list just went on.  As women, our life revolves around the house, the kids, the hubby, the job, the kids the dishes the laundry the billsthekidsthedishesthehubbythesheetsthevacuming....lalala.
And it all seems so THANKLESS.   and such a waste of time...because we can scrub the kitchen clean, but as soon as the kids get home, and dinner starts...it is trashed again.  And wow, you just want to SCREAM!
It's a "Hi, i feel unappreciated" moment.
The kids aren't going to say "thank you" every time they walk in the door and see the house done.  Or clean laundry on their bed.  Or you pack a lunch full of their favorites.  It just isn't going to happen.
We can rebel, and not make dinner, or sort socks, or pack a nice lunch.
And darling spouse isn't going to remember to hug and kiss you every time an amazing meal shows up on the table, or he has clean underwear as soon as he opens his drawer. 
We can stop doing it all....
And what does that solve? 
I admit, there are times, i just want to lose it.  I spend hours cleaning my house, it smells fantastic, looks amazing...and they come home.
And i wonder, did they even NOTICE!?!
After almost 30 years of parenting, i have had to accept the fact that the only one who truly appreciates all the work i do...is me.
while my family does appreciate being able to find things...and have underwear when they need it...and shampoo in the shower...and lunch in their lunchbox, they aren't going to appreciate it every day....they will years from now, when they are the ones doing the laundry, scrubbing or reaching into an empty underwear drawer, but today it is just something that is there and in their life.
And i am okay with that.  Because that means my kids are secure.  They are secure in the fact that mom will take care of them, make sure they have what they need when they need it.  And when i miss a step...or 10, they notice...and they yell "MOM! where are my socks?!?"  And usually, socks appear, flying across the house towards them.  And they sometimes even mutter "thanks" as they get ready for their happy day.
Right now, i get the satisfaction of seeing my house clean until everyone comes home.   And years from now, i know my kids will be thinking of me, when  their kids destroy their home, when the socks are missing, the dinner is on the stove and they and wondering if anyone notices all they have done that day.
And they might even call me and say "mom, i don't know how you did it all"
and i will smile.
I love you.

Trophies on my shelf

All my trophies, which are important to me?

So, we were making room for Ben's trophies, and then i noticed Nathan had several trophies in his closet and Tim has his pool trophies in our room...and i was thinking...what trophies are important?
Trophies for sports and accomplishments are amazing, but you can't take them with you.

I have a box of trophies from past accomplishments, and they are just shoved in a box in the attic, or already at the dump.
And i can't take them with me.
What if trophies were given out for good deeds?
What if trophies were given out for being kind?
What if trophies were given out for being a true Christian and spreading His Word?
Would everyone want them?
If God gave a BIG HUGE 1st Place trophy for every time someone was kind to a stranger?
If Jesus handed a trophy to a person who witnessed in His name?
If Our Father handed out a plaque for stepping up when someone was being bullied, harassed or helping someone who was so down they were suicidal?
So, let's say God did, let's say Jesus had a trophy He was ready to hand out - - - how many trophies would i have?  Would i have a trophy for my character?  Would i have several trophies for being kind to others?   Would i have a plaque for reaching out to others when they are down and out?
The brass and silver on a shelf is nice, but a pat on the back from God goes a lot farther.
Actually, it goes so far....it goes all the way up to heaven.   Living by HIS example, living for HIM, and knowing that God is saying "Well done, good and faithful servant."
That is the only trophy i really need.
I love you.