Pre-Marital Baggage

Ah, you get married, you fall in love, you share the vows....life is going to be wonderful and perfect and happy and just ..... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, perfect.

And then reality kicks in.   Those moments where you look at your spouse in total bafflement...how can they be so freaking stupid?  Where the heck did that idiotic habit come from and why are they not on MY PAGE?

Well, did you look at each others past?   YOUR past and THEIR past?   Did you watch how your spouse treated their parents...and most importantly, how they were treated BY their parents?  Did you listen how they spoke of their ex partners, whether they just dated or were married?   Did you think all the scars from their past didn't matter?

Going in first person here -

I am what you call an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  In my case, i was so lucky, i had two alcoholics in my past.   I was going to meetings, to learn how to cope with my issues, but i had already had a marriage under my belt when i met Tim.   I had (and still do) issues that needed addressing.  I went to counseling, i worked so hard on being a great mom to Jenn, and that included no drinking or hitting.   But, i have scars...and they run very very deep.

Then, i met Tim, otherwise known as Tall, Dark and Handsome.    Oh, my gosh, the perfect man.  A Minister, a single dad that had custody of his little girl...oh my gosh...this is just PERFECT.  His parents had been married forever, they met in 6th grade!  How Perfect!

Hmm.  Not so fast.   His family had issues. and they weren't spoken about...they were pushed under the rug, so much so that it now resembles Mt. Rushmore.    He had a divorce - and while he never spoke bad of his ex, he had scars...deep scars.

I had never seen a HEALTHY marriage.  While some of my friends had happy parents, my mother was sure to drop hints and comments about things that weren't all they seemed and the wife did this and the dad did that...and so i always believed they drank and fought just like my parents.   Then i went to college and i had the wonderful blessing of sitting next to Christy, a commuter who still lived at home.  And her dad, seeing me leave campus every Friday afternoon, asked me where i was going and i let him know i was leaving the campus because i couldn't stand the smell of the fish they were serving.  And he invited me to his house...and i saw a loving, happy, strong marriage.   I went there a lot, and just soaked in the love.  Oh my gosh, i have told Christy many a time, her parents helped me become the parent i am, and i love them for it.

Okay, so while Tim had always had his parents around him, he never saw them argue.  His mother proudly told me that and expected me to do the same.  Never argue in front of the children, they need to see a united front.   Yeah, guess how that played out the first time he and i had a disagreement?  He expected me to side with him, and not disagree, we were a united front.  Yeah, oh heck no.  The funny thing, is it was over something so stupid, it was about my music.  While we dated, all those cd's were there, and he never said a word.  We were married for 2 weeks and he let me know he didn't like them and didn't want them played in his house.   Yeah, guess how i reacted to that?   It was not pretty.

It wasn't long before it was clear we needed counseling.   We had agreed before we said our vows that Divorce Was Not A Option.  We both had been through one, we weren't going through it again.  We worked through many an issue...and have been to counseling a few times since then....i am not ashamed about it - i am fighting for my marriage, for the lives of my children...and if we need to go again, we will.  

Life throws curves - more kids (how dare he not agree with me on how to raise MY kids??!!? and oh my gosh, i am exhausted)  Jobs (really?  you have to work 65 hours this week, every week?) Moves (i am lonely, i miss my friends, why did your job take us so far away from my friend?) Hobbies (yeah, we have nothing in common there) oh my gosh, even our first year of marriage, we were screaming for opposite teams in the superbowl (his team won, let's not talk about it).  And sadly, a near death experience that caused so many physical and emotional issues (and let me tell you, he was amazing, he still is to this day).

So before you throw in the towel, think of what you both brought into the marriage, and how are you going to work through them.  Remember his past, remember your past - were there scars that will never heal, but can be soothed?   Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of...it is showing each other you are willing to fight for what you have.  It shows your kids that they were conceived in love, so much love, you are going to fight to keep it going.

Oh, and hey, if you want true hell, true absolute misery, true pain that leaves horrific scars...put your kid on a plane for Christmas because the other parent has custody that year and then your mind goes rampant with all the things that can happen to that plane.  Spend your first holiday without your children, and realize that it is going to happen again and again for years to come.  Tim and i had to put our girls on a plane right after 9/11, it was ...indescribable.  And if you think you two will never live that far apart, so that isn't a problem...think again...one has to go where the work is.


Well, hey, while it would be nice to have a perfect marriage, it isn't going to happen.  To put it quite mildly, you have to fight for what you love.  That includes your marriage, raising your kids, keeping your friendships, your job...life is a battle - but it is so worth it.

I love you and i am praying for you.

Being Thankful

Thinking back to my teenage years, Thanksgiving was anything but a thankful time.  Divorce, alcoholism, abuse, turmoil, it just wasn't a thankful time. 
But, thinking back, there were things to be thankful for.  
My big brother was always there.  He and i became closer, because we were all we had.  Even though we didn't always see eye to eye, years later, he and his wife are vital in my life.
I had friends.  While most did not know of the conflict i was dealing with, i had some fun.  Funny thing, is now, 30 years later, we are opening up and i have learned that a several of my classmates were in the same boat i was.   If we had only felt close enough to talk back then....
I learned to write.   My writing became a tool of survival.  I wrote about everything.  Recently i found a book of short stories i wrote.  Some were published, many were not.  When i read them, i can even remember why i wrote them, what situation i was in that caused me to write it. 

But, what i am thankful for most, is that my life made me who i am today.  I am strong, so very strong, and learned to handle a lot of crisis, i learned to rely on myself when i needed something.   God had a plan for me....and my past made it possible for me to follow His plan.

Am i thankful that alcohol ruined my high school years - no, but i can talk to kids who are dealing with the same issue and they know i understand.  They hear the sincerity in my voice when i tell them i know where they are coming from.

Am i thankful for thinking my life was so worthless, it wasn't worth living?  No, but i know the darkness.  I have told many a kid, if you are there, don't you dare go any further without calling me first, or i will never forgive you.   I have been called so many times, day and night, and i am so thankful.

Am i grateful to school admin/teachers who only managed to make matters worse?  No, but ask my kids, i always took their word first, and whenever they were accused of something, i stood for them.   And when kids are having issues, i stand up for them.

Did i enjoy the war between parents that led to divorce?  No, but kids know i am there for them, and that i understand.  I know the hell of the screaming at night, and the exhaustion of being a tool between parents.   And i am thankful for that.

And, the worst, the assault.   That still haunts me, but ....yeah...even that...God has used for the good.  I have kids come to me, when they were ashamed to tell anyone else.  I held them as they cried, i helped them go to their parents and even gone to the police a few times.  And they were thankful i was there, and i was thankful i could be there, too.

No, i was not thankful back then, but all i was made me what i am today. 

And for that, I am very thankful. 

Let's Talk Step Children

One of the most disgusting things i was ever asked - "Well, if you divorced Tim, you would never want to see Talina again, would you?"  My response - "I would sue him for custody and i would win"

Talina has been in my life since she was 6.   I actually met Talina before i met her father, my husband.  I was called in to help tutor her, she had just moved to the area and needed to play catch up with the FL school system.   She was quiet and shy with this beautiful long hair, and it was a huge success if i got her to smile.   Then, one day, she came in, and her hair was cut shorter than mine.  I wanted to hold her and soothe her and make all her pain go away.

Five months later, i met her father...the rest is history.

She became my daughter. Before Tim and i married, we found a home, and when Jenn and i moved in, we took her with us while Tim remained in his apartment - i didn't want Jenn to have seniority over her and place her stamp all over the house.

When we built our home, the two bedrooms were exactly the same size, exactly the same closets, windows, etc.   Two girls, the same age, same grade, different friends, different activities, i attended them all. 

Raising someone elses' child is not easy.   She had different tastes, mannerisms and when she went to her mothers, she always came home with issues.    And dealing with the other parent was...well, you know.

I knew it had to be hard for her, namely when the boys came along, because she was the odd one, the only child i didn't give birth to.  I told her that made her special, she was the only one who didn't give me stretch marks.   Eventually, that changed to Talina is my favorite child, because she came without stretch marks.

I had someone tell me "I married my husband, i didn't marry the children."   Really?  They were a package deal, just like Tim and Talina were my package deal.  You marry one, you get the other.  

I was lucky, she was only 6, and she really didn't remember her life with her mother.  But there were times she came back from summer vacation with the "You can't tell me what to do, you aren't my mother."  And then as a teenager, it became "I am going to live with my mother, she won't make me do......"  But through all that, she never called me her step mother, i was just mom.


I have thanked God over and over again for my Snook - a nickname i gave her before Tim and i were married.    When she sings, i get the chills, it is that beautiful.    There are times she starts to laugh...and then can't stop.  I say her giggle box got knocked over.   The hardest experience i ever had as a parent was with Talina - we got through it, and developed a stronger bond.

We have laughed privately, when people have said how much she looks like me.  Oh sure, she is blonde, i am a redhead.  I have freckles, she has clear skin.  She has brown eyes, i have gray eyes.  I am as tall as she is short.  Yup, twins!

I am so very blessed with Talina.   She is my blessing, my extra gift from God.  I have loved watching her grow, blossom and become the lovely lady she is today.

And hey, she is my favorite child, because she came without stretch marks.

Yeah, let's talk special needs.

Yesterday, I was asked if it was hard to raise a child with special needs and did i resent God for this situation. 

I was so shocked, at first i said nothing, but then i said "No, i think God must love me and trust me with one of his most wonderful blessings." and then i walked away.

But then i started thinking about it (Ever notice your best answers come after you walk away?).

Special needs?  One of my children has special needs?   And people feel the need to point that child out?
 No, each of my children have special needs -

Jenn, my oldest, has the need for one on one time with people.  She needs to be told when to slow down, and when she is pushing herself too hard.  She has moments when she falters, and she needs to be lifted up again with love and encouragement. She won't hesitate to push and push hard and may need to be reminded to take a deep breath. Oh my, she does have special needs.

Talina, well, she is a different story - she constantly needs to be reminded how incredibly wonderful she is.  She needs to be pushed when she falters, and she needs things around her that make her happy to keep her spirits up.  She needs affirmation and unconditional love at all times.  Whew...talk about special needs.

Then there is my Nate, who this person was talking about.  Yes, he has autism, he also has a huge heart that he spreads around, wanting to take care of anyone who isn't feeling well or needs a hand.  He needs reminding to be patient and accepting, he needs someone to love and to tend to .   He needs to hear that he has done well, and he needs to be taught with an understanding hand.

And then there is my miracle, Ben.   Wow, talk about special needs.  He needs constant affirmation, constant love.  He needs to be hugged and needs to hug.  He needs help with organization and help limiting his activities so he doesn't get sick.  He needs reminding of patience and understanding and of brushing his teeth.

I should have asked that lady which special need child was she speaking of - and how her special needs children are.   Each child in this world has a special need, each one has something that sets them apart from others. 

I Thank God for His amazing love for giving me four kids that match the gifts He has given me.  Each child matches a gift i have, from pushing, to pulling, to convincing, to hugging, to affirm, to scold, to monitor, and to love.

I love you.

the month of being thankful, all year round.

The best part of November is that it is the month of being thankful.  Every day, you will see posts of what everyone is thankful for...from friends and family, to animals to ...anything.  Personally, today, i posted that I am thankful for my crockpot....i use mine so often, it never leaves my counter.  For Valentine's Day, my boys bought me a three station one...oh my gosh...the things i - okay, wait, let me get back on point.
I love knowing what others are thankful for, every time i read one, i am reminded how much i have to be thankful for.  I have amazing family, friends, gifts from God, gifts from friends...i wouldn't have this home if it wasn't for the love of a friend....i am so overwhelmed at times. 
When i started this blog, it was because God was giving me so many messages for so many people, through it, i have been able to touch people, many i don't even know because friends share the messages.
I am thankful i have been able to open my heart and mind to God.  I am thankful that He was patient with me, through all my stupidity, my not listening to Him when He spoke to me.  Since i finally opened my ears, He talks to me.  He tells me when to pray for specific people and when to reach out to them to let them know He is there for them.  He gives me words that i post for others and they feel encouraged.   I read what others are saying in response to His message and I feel encouraged. 
I need to post all year round what i am thankful for - my list is longer than 30 days, it is longer than 365 days.
My list is endless, because His love is endless.
I love you.

Coca Cola Lip Gloss

Remember that book?  Are you there God, it's me Margaret?

I must admit when i read the book, i read it because everyone was reading it and it was the thing to do.  I tried wearing wedges, because...well, she wore them and it was the thing to wear.  
I went through a harriet the spy thing...so i wrote everything in my diary, everything.   What i thought of everyone and then was terrified someone was going to read it (my mother did, then she wrote it in...wow...trauma).
When i think about my youth, i realize, it took a long time for me to find me.  I copied what others wore and what others did and what others watched.
I remember being bummed, because everyone was watching Happy Days, and my mother found it to risque and wouldn't let me watch it. Then i finally got to watch it...no big thrill.
One of my best friends LOVED coca cola lipgloss, so i bought some....can you tell you how much i hated that stuff?  Oh my goodness, but i kept putting that crap on my lips and i hated it so much...but hey, i thought it was how i was going to be cool.
I have tried to fit in, i can't tell you how many times.
Then one day, i realized i had to stop.
It wasn't like i had a HUGE revelation that wow, I CAN BE ME!!  It actually was because of the coca cola lip gloss.   There i was, in the store, about to buy my umteenth tube of it (i was KNOWN for it, boys joked about it, girls asked to borrow my cola) and i saw watermelon lip gloss.  Oh wow, i loved watermelon.  It was like...my favorite fruit.  I loved watermelon.  So...wow, i bought watermelon.  And i tried it on...and oh wow, i loved it.  Funny thing, kids actually noticed and a few said it was cool and they were glad i got rid of that awful other lip gloss.....
It started something.  I got rid of the awful uncomfortable shoes that were cool and i got blue sueded earth shoes (remember them?  Heels lower than the front, totally comfortable).
Now, it wasn't a huge moment, i didn't throw all the stuff out and start all over - but gradually, it was easier to look at what i liked.  I got teased a lot..i tried different things with my hair, many were bombs.  I tried wearing different style shirts, i loved clogs.  I laugh now, i was teased for wearing clogs when i was in high school...years later, every one wears that and they are still the only shoes i can wear comfortably. 
I watch kids today, going through the same thing i went through, trying to fit in, trying to make myself more attractive, more along the same lines of everyone else, trying to make friends, trying to be what they think the others want them to be.
I keep thinking "that's not what God has in mind"  He doesn't want everyone to look alike, act alike, be the same.  Yes, we are all created in HIS image, but He drew us the way he wanted us.  He wanted me to have long stringy hair and my son to have beautiful curly hair.   He made some of us heavier, others thinner, some tall, some short...and for us all to have our own minds.   Our own opinions.  Our own tastes.
But how to get the kids around me to know it is okay to be themselves?  How to get them to understand that being oneself is a good thing?  
I pray for our youth.  I pray they see the beauty in being who they are.  I pray they learn that not everyone has to like coca cola lip gloss, that it is okay to like the watermelon lipgloss.  
Maybe i can hunt some of that disgusting lipgloss down one day and use it as a sermon illustration. 
I love who you are.