I am almost blown away by the news today. Riots, wars, hate.
On facebook pages, people spitting anger and insults. Bullying texts. Angry emails. Kids hurting each other, name calling.
It's hard not to get sucked in the hate. Hard not to join in the riots, the fury, the misery.
The political ads, the journalists, the news...it all seems so full of hate for each other.
I spent a lot of time praying about it, a lot of time trying to avoid getting sucked in.
This morning i found myself angry at the kids rioting, hurting each other, hurting innocent shop owners.
Then thinking back at myself over the past few months, i realized i have been sucked in. There is a person that drives me OUT of my mind, and i have said i hate her. There is a person i avoid at all times, i will do anything not to talk to her.
What makes me so different than the people throwing bricks and setting fires?
I begged HIM for forgiveness. And then i began to think how i can stop this negative way of thinking.
I have always gone by the life lesson that GOD is the artist of every single person on this earth and if i am hating against someone, i am hating against HIM.
I don't hate Him, i love HIM, does that mean i have to love everything about every single person?
I don't believe so. I am not perfect, there is only one perfect, and that is Jesus Christ. And i am forgiven. Forgiven for my sins, for my angry thoughts.
And then i remembered a lesson i learned in college. While studying education, our professor said we need to treat all kids right. We can't be mean to a kid just because we don't like them, that we needed to find something about every single person that we like, even if is their eyelashes or their nice hands.
So, i am going to work on that. No matter how much i don't like someone in my life, God put them there for a reason and i am going to find something about everyone, and start focusing on the good in everyone.
Because i really don't like myself when i am angry and hating.
I love you.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
You never know....
It started in 2001, right after my youngest child, Ben, was born. I started noticing i hurt. I just hurt, everywhere. My back, my arms, my legs, the migraines increased, i felt awful.
For a long time, ias told it was recovering my the birth and trauma. I suffered HELLP Syndrome, a rare and deadly pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was sky high, my liver was rupturing, my platelets were down to 7000 (normal is 150,000-400,000).
My thyroid died, so i was put on medication, and i struggled to stay awake, to be a functioning parent. But the pain continued to get worse.
So we started going to doctors, first my gp, and the ob/gyn. I had been dealing with endometriosis for years, maybe that was a cause....?
Then we moved. First in Indiana, where i had a full hysterectomy. The doctors there asked me if i was depressed, if i had friends, if i had a happy marriage....blah blah blah.
Moved to Nevada...more doctors. One doctor made Tim's day. His suggestion was that i needed more sex.
Doctors kept saying it was mental. I lost several friends when i cancelled events because i cancelled outings because i just hurt so much. People who barely knew me actually accused me of faking, saying i just didn't want to (fill in the blank). I was lazy, i didn't care about others, i wasn't a good pastors wife because a few times i didn't go to some event.
I am blessed, never once did my husband or children turn on me. Tim was and is, an amazing supporting husband. My kids did whatever they could to help me.
We moved back to VA, i was stressed, i was miserable, i was hurting. We had just gone through some horrible things and we just needed time to heal and find ourselves again.
Finally, a doctor LISTENED to me and gave me the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Tim and i went to a bookstore, grabbed every book on the subject and then sat in the cafe and read for hours. Tim turned to me and said "Honey, this is what you have been saying for years." Finally Finally FINALLY we had an answer. Chronic Fatigue was added to it and i felt vindicated.
We started searching medications and diets and a lot more.
There are days i hurt so much, i can't breathe. There are days i feel just fine and go to my sons races and out with friends and go to church with a smile on my face.
There are days, i can't get out of bed.
I can no longer work on Sundays in the children's program, because i don't know what my body is going to do that day. I no longer make plans unless it is with someone who understands my situation.
Thing is, i don't have a broken arm, or am forced in a wheelchair. To many, i look perfectly healthy, even on days that i ache.
Because of that, people laugh at me when i say i am sick, because, hey, i look healthy. The same goes for people with arthritis, lymphoma, and so many other illnesses.
Someone recently put a note on the car of a lady parked in the handicapped parking space, asking her if her handicap was her brain (yes, she had her little handicapped sign on her rear view mirror). My friend has Rheumatoid arthritis, and is often in so much pain, walking from the car to the grocery store exhausts her and after shopping, she often has to take medication and lay down for the rest of the day.
Another friend was having repeated seizures, but no diagnosis. Her (now ex) husband and even her children accused of her faking it. People saw her gardening in the yard and say "well, she can garden, how sick can she be?" A few years ago she had major brain surgery. She was "faking" it so well, she fooled a top neurosurgeon, who scheduled her for surgery immediately after watching her "fake seizure" on an mri.
I was messaged just a few days ago, someone asking me for help. Her body is raked with pain, but she is being told she is a hypochondriac.
The most famous diagnosis, you are depressed, take some happy pills and you will be fine.
I guess what i am saying is "Not so fast." If some has a cast on their arm, or is walking on crutches, every one is quick to jump in and help.
But when the ailment is invisible, so many people doubt you.
I used to wonder WHY this happened. What did God want from me? Then i realized - with the HELLP syndrome, i started a website to help others recovering from help and get support. People around me, including my own daughter, recognized someone with HELLP in the hospital and was able to help them. With fibro, i have met others with physical ailments and we support each other, and lean on each other, even shop for each other if necessary. We never doubt each other.
I thank God for the opportunity to help those around me and those across the world.
When you see someone sitting down, looking beat. Or when you see someone sitting in their car, looking pained, maybe asleep. Or when someone cancels plans, saying they just can't go...don't be so quick to judge.
They may hurt more than you can ever imagine.
I love you.
For a long time, ias told it was recovering my the birth and trauma. I suffered HELLP Syndrome, a rare and deadly pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was sky high, my liver was rupturing, my platelets were down to 7000 (normal is 150,000-400,000).
My thyroid died, so i was put on medication, and i struggled to stay awake, to be a functioning parent. But the pain continued to get worse.
So we started going to doctors, first my gp, and the ob/gyn. I had been dealing with endometriosis for years, maybe that was a cause....?
Then we moved. First in Indiana, where i had a full hysterectomy. The doctors there asked me if i was depressed, if i had friends, if i had a happy marriage....blah blah blah.
Moved to Nevada...more doctors. One doctor made Tim's day. His suggestion was that i needed more sex.
Doctors kept saying it was mental. I lost several friends when i cancelled events because i cancelled outings because i just hurt so much. People who barely knew me actually accused me of faking, saying i just didn't want to (fill in the blank). I was lazy, i didn't care about others, i wasn't a good pastors wife because a few times i didn't go to some event.
I am blessed, never once did my husband or children turn on me. Tim was and is, an amazing supporting husband. My kids did whatever they could to help me.
We moved back to VA, i was stressed, i was miserable, i was hurting. We had just gone through some horrible things and we just needed time to heal and find ourselves again.
Finally, a doctor LISTENED to me and gave me the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Tim and i went to a bookstore, grabbed every book on the subject and then sat in the cafe and read for hours. Tim turned to me and said "Honey, this is what you have been saying for years." Finally Finally FINALLY we had an answer. Chronic Fatigue was added to it and i felt vindicated.
We started searching medications and diets and a lot more.
There are days i hurt so much, i can't breathe. There are days i feel just fine and go to my sons races and out with friends and go to church with a smile on my face.
There are days, i can't get out of bed.
I can no longer work on Sundays in the children's program, because i don't know what my body is going to do that day. I no longer make plans unless it is with someone who understands my situation.
Thing is, i don't have a broken arm, or am forced in a wheelchair. To many, i look perfectly healthy, even on days that i ache.
Because of that, people laugh at me when i say i am sick, because, hey, i look healthy. The same goes for people with arthritis, lymphoma, and so many other illnesses.
Someone recently put a note on the car of a lady parked in the handicapped parking space, asking her if her handicap was her brain (yes, she had her little handicapped sign on her rear view mirror). My friend has Rheumatoid arthritis, and is often in so much pain, walking from the car to the grocery store exhausts her and after shopping, she often has to take medication and lay down for the rest of the day.
Another friend was having repeated seizures, but no diagnosis. Her (now ex) husband and even her children accused of her faking it. People saw her gardening in the yard and say "well, she can garden, how sick can she be?" A few years ago she had major brain surgery. She was "faking" it so well, she fooled a top neurosurgeon, who scheduled her for surgery immediately after watching her "fake seizure" on an mri.
I was messaged just a few days ago, someone asking me for help. Her body is raked with pain, but she is being told she is a hypochondriac.
The most famous diagnosis, you are depressed, take some happy pills and you will be fine.
I guess what i am saying is "Not so fast." If some has a cast on their arm, or is walking on crutches, every one is quick to jump in and help.
But when the ailment is invisible, so many people doubt you.
I used to wonder WHY this happened. What did God want from me? Then i realized - with the HELLP syndrome, i started a website to help others recovering from help and get support. People around me, including my own daughter, recognized someone with HELLP in the hospital and was able to help them. With fibro, i have met others with physical ailments and we support each other, and lean on each other, even shop for each other if necessary. We never doubt each other.
I thank God for the opportunity to help those around me and those across the world.
When you see someone sitting down, looking beat. Or when you see someone sitting in their car, looking pained, maybe asleep. Or when someone cancels plans, saying they just can't go...don't be so quick to judge.
They may hurt more than you can ever imagine.
I love you.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Celebrating Autism?
Last week, my daughter Jenn pointed out an article to me about a mother of three daughters who seemed to intensely dislike "Celebrate Autism" events in April. She is angry and tired and worn out because of all the demands required to raise three autistic daughters.
I have spent the past few days thinking about it, i can't even tell you what my feelings were about it, anger? annoyance? pity? sadness? i have no clue. So, i stopped thinking about how i felt about HER and started reflecting on what i think of Autism Speaks.
As many of you know, my youngest son is very active in the Autism Community. He started a project in our county "Project Turn Orange Blue" in hopes of getting Orange County to be blue in April to raise awareness of autism. I am proud of him, this has take a lot of work on his part and i have had to help him because, hey, not many people listened to a 11 year old.
Before i began to study special eduation, i was always in the belief that God only gave special needs children to those who can handle them...they were special, treasured mothers who deserved to raise HIS special kids.....
That thought soon changed my first month in a classroom during my internship. It changed even more in the past 30 years of raising kids. I don't know about the mothers being saints or gifted by God, but i know the kids are saints.
They tolerate cruelty, by their own parents, by siblings, by classmates, by strangers on the street. They are picked on, bullied, neglected, laughed at, pushed, shoved, assaulted, abused, destroyed. I get physically ill when i hear about kids taunting and harming kids who can't do anything to defend themselves. It happened when i was a kid in school, it is still happening today.
And that is why i support Autism Speaks.
Am i thrilled i have an autistic son? No, but i am thrilled i have Nate. Through all the demands, and the problems and the stress, he is still my most loving son, who comes into my room 30 times when i am sick and trying to sleep to ask if i am okay. The one who worries when ben is sick and several times absolutely refused to go to school because ben needed him.
I have watched kids tease him, been standing nearby when classmates have said cruel things, gotten letters from teachers who don't understand him. I have put up with his temper, and his annoying habits, and lack of desire to do anything. (hmmmm, wait, that sounds like my other three kids, too). I have been exhausted to tears trying to get him to succeed in school, clean his room and mow the lawn.
I have spent hours wondering what is going to happen to him when i am gone? Who is going to love him for being N8? Will he be okay? Will anyone ever love him and want to spend the rest of their life with him? Will he ever know agape from anyone else but his family?
And that is why i support autism speaks.
Because, it is teaching others about the wonders of autism.
It is showing people what autism is, and how marvelous autistic kids are. It is showing why a child throws a tantrum in a noisy place, or refuses to eat certain food because of the texture, or rocks back and forth to their own beat.
People stop seeing a "freak" and understand the person has autism and is just different. Not bad, not strange, not someone to be thrown into a locked room, but someone with autism. Someone, who if you just meet their needs halfway, can be a marvelous addition in your life.
Yes, there are autistic people who will never be "productive members of society" the way some people judge what productive is. They won't hold down jobs, own a home, have 2.2 kids and invest in their own retirement.
But there are people in this world that are gifted with the ability to love them, and care for them, run adult homes, special education classes and workshops. There are people who need to be needed, need to share their love and their patience with those who can't do for themselves. They work day in and day out, making the lives of others better. And they are the ones who are "productive members of society" and our world would be one heck of a mess with out them.
Because of blue lights, schools are hosting awareness days, sharing bits of information about autism, trying to stop the bullying and create understanding. Kids wear blue, first probably because it is the thing to do that day, but then they start hearing facts and understand "that strange kid in the corner."
Not all the strange kids are autistic, but through Autism Speaks, people are learning to understand DIFFERENCES. Not everyone fits into a specific mold. Not everyone is going to be the popular cheerleader with the perfect skin and hair, or the big man on campus, playing in every sport. Or the brain who aces all the exams and wins all the science fairs. Or the kid who draws amazing portraits. Or the student who makes everyone laugh.
Those blue lights are putting focus on differences.
And from a mother of an autistic kid who shuts down if the noise is too loud, and whose mouth doesn't have a filter and he says whatever comes to his mind, who can't stand the feel of certain fabrics and who will only eat one type of food for a few days but will watch over a little child like it is his own and a parent can feel good knowing Nate is nearby....i like that people are seeing my son as a little bit different, but a whole lot of amazing.
I love you.
I have spent the past few days thinking about it, i can't even tell you what my feelings were about it, anger? annoyance? pity? sadness? i have no clue. So, i stopped thinking about how i felt about HER and started reflecting on what i think of Autism Speaks.
As many of you know, my youngest son is very active in the Autism Community. He started a project in our county "Project Turn Orange Blue" in hopes of getting Orange County to be blue in April to raise awareness of autism. I am proud of him, this has take a lot of work on his part and i have had to help him because, hey, not many people listened to a 11 year old.
Before i began to study special eduation, i was always in the belief that God only gave special needs children to those who can handle them...they were special, treasured mothers who deserved to raise HIS special kids.....
That thought soon changed my first month in a classroom during my internship. It changed even more in the past 30 years of raising kids. I don't know about the mothers being saints or gifted by God, but i know the kids are saints.
They tolerate cruelty, by their own parents, by siblings, by classmates, by strangers on the street. They are picked on, bullied, neglected, laughed at, pushed, shoved, assaulted, abused, destroyed. I get physically ill when i hear about kids taunting and harming kids who can't do anything to defend themselves. It happened when i was a kid in school, it is still happening today.
And that is why i support Autism Speaks.
Am i thrilled i have an autistic son? No, but i am thrilled i have Nate. Through all the demands, and the problems and the stress, he is still my most loving son, who comes into my room 30 times when i am sick and trying to sleep to ask if i am okay. The one who worries when ben is sick and several times absolutely refused to go to school because ben needed him.
I have watched kids tease him, been standing nearby when classmates have said cruel things, gotten letters from teachers who don't understand him. I have put up with his temper, and his annoying habits, and lack of desire to do anything. (hmmmm, wait, that sounds like my other three kids, too). I have been exhausted to tears trying to get him to succeed in school, clean his room and mow the lawn.
I have spent hours wondering what is going to happen to him when i am gone? Who is going to love him for being N8? Will he be okay? Will anyone ever love him and want to spend the rest of their life with him? Will he ever know agape from anyone else but his family?
And that is why i support autism speaks.
Because, it is teaching others about the wonders of autism.
It is showing people what autism is, and how marvelous autistic kids are. It is showing why a child throws a tantrum in a noisy place, or refuses to eat certain food because of the texture, or rocks back and forth to their own beat.
People stop seeing a "freak" and understand the person has autism and is just different. Not bad, not strange, not someone to be thrown into a locked room, but someone with autism. Someone, who if you just meet their needs halfway, can be a marvelous addition in your life.
Yes, there are autistic people who will never be "productive members of society" the way some people judge what productive is. They won't hold down jobs, own a home, have 2.2 kids and invest in their own retirement.
But there are people in this world that are gifted with the ability to love them, and care for them, run adult homes, special education classes and workshops. There are people who need to be needed, need to share their love and their patience with those who can't do for themselves. They work day in and day out, making the lives of others better. And they are the ones who are "productive members of society" and our world would be one heck of a mess with out them.
Because of blue lights, schools are hosting awareness days, sharing bits of information about autism, trying to stop the bullying and create understanding. Kids wear blue, first probably because it is the thing to do that day, but then they start hearing facts and understand "that strange kid in the corner."
Not all the strange kids are autistic, but through Autism Speaks, people are learning to understand DIFFERENCES. Not everyone fits into a specific mold. Not everyone is going to be the popular cheerleader with the perfect skin and hair, or the big man on campus, playing in every sport. Or the brain who aces all the exams and wins all the science fairs. Or the kid who draws amazing portraits. Or the student who makes everyone laugh.
Those blue lights are putting focus on differences.
And from a mother of an autistic kid who shuts down if the noise is too loud, and whose mouth doesn't have a filter and he says whatever comes to his mind, who can't stand the feel of certain fabrics and who will only eat one type of food for a few days but will watch over a little child like it is his own and a parent can feel good knowing Nate is nearby....i like that people are seeing my son as a little bit different, but a whole lot of amazing.
I love you.
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