Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Sledding down a hill....and having fun.

I have always been insecure about trying new things.   I have this incredible fear of being laughed at.   Trying new things means leaving myself open to ridicule, and making a fool of myself.  I have an amazing fear of being laughed at, i had enough of it during my teenage years.

So today, my boys went sledding...and i had my camera as my defense not to go downhill.   I took some amazing pictures, and no one could laugh at me...

Then, as people laughed around me, i decided to give up my fear - and to say the heck of what people think of me - and grabbed a sled.

And i had a blast.

I ended going down the hill multiple times, my sons were laughing WITH me, not at me, and other kids hi-5'd me as i came to a stop at the bottom.

My butt hurts, i had snow down my neck, my hands were freezing, i had snow all over my face - and it was so much fun.

Silly that it took 51 years for me to finally not care what others think of me - and not to worry about making a fool of myself.  While some people looked at me like was crazy as i laughed hysterically flying down the hill, i was having fun. 

I think of so many other things i didn't try, out of fear of looking stupid and shake my head.  In order not to be laughed out, i lost out on a lot of fun.

No more.  

I am going to try it all, and laugh if i mess up, giggle when i succeed and hi-5 my kids when i am done.

I love you. 


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

to forgive is....difficult

Okay, so i have discovered  when God wants to speak to me, He is anything but subtle.   Recently, i have had devotionals, bible studies and sermons - all having to do with forgiveness.  Hmm, trying to tell me something Lord?

Forgiveness did not come easy for me.   Wow, i could hold a grudge - most of them going back to my high school years.

But thanks to computers, myspace and facebook, people from around the world have been finding each other and friending each other.   If you look at my friend list, you will see people who rarely gave me a second glance in school, but asked to friend me and i accepted.  Not that i was amazed and in awestruck happiness that they wanted to acknowledge my lowly existence, but because  30 years have passed and there was no reason not to accept their friend request.  (okay, except the idiot who pushed me in a locker and laughed at me for three years about it).   I discovered one person i totally disliked was a total misunderstanding and we now talk daily.  Another has said my faith encourages her.  Friends who knew me then and read my comments now are happy to see how my life has come around.

I had issues with my mother (i know, who didn't?) and after my daughter was born, i realized she had done the best she could, i was going to do a better job.  


People who bullied me, it took me a long time, but i was able to just shrug it off.  I survived, i thrived and other kids have benefited from what i learned.  

But...BUT...oh there is that but...there are some people who hurt me/my family and i haven't gotten that far...i just can't forgive them yet.  Trust me, i am working on it....but when one recently tried to friend me on facebook...i just couldn't.   I could NOT accept that request.    I thought about it, i repeated "Forgiveness is Divine" several times in my head...and realized i am just not ready.

But that's okay....for now.  God expects better of me, and i am working on it.   I am a work in progress.  But i better get a move on it, God only has so much patience!  Holding a grudge takes time away from my life.  Thinking about what they did to me and how i would love to get them back, that takes time away from my happy place.  When i spent time dwelling on my pain, i am not enjoying my blessings.   I have so much to enjoy, looking back is a waste of time and i need to remember that, and forgive.

I keep hoping others are able to forgive anything i have done.  I pray that i haven't harmed anyone without apologizing for my carelessness and stupidity.

Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...  I can do this.

I love you.