Ah, you get married, you fall in love, you share the vows....life is going to be wonderful and perfect and happy and just ..... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, perfect.
And then reality kicks in. Those moments where you look at your spouse in total bafflement...how can they be so freaking stupid? Where the heck did that idiotic habit come from and why are they not on MY PAGE?
Well, did you look at each others past? YOUR past and THEIR past? Did you watch how your spouse treated their parents...and most importantly, how they were treated BY their parents? Did you listen how they spoke of their ex partners, whether they just dated or were married? Did you think all the scars from their past didn't matter?
Going in first person here -
I am what you call an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. In my case, i was so lucky, i had two alcoholics in my past. I was going to meetings, to learn how to cope with my issues, but i had already had a marriage under my belt when i met Tim. I had (and still do) issues that needed addressing. I went to counseling, i worked so hard on being a great mom to Jenn, and that included no drinking or hitting. But, i have scars...and they run very very deep.
Then, i met Tim, otherwise known as Tall, Dark and Handsome. Oh, my gosh, the perfect man. A Minister, a single dad that had custody of his little girl...oh my gosh...this is just PERFECT. His parents had been married forever, they met in 6th grade! How Perfect!
Hmm. Not so fast. His family had issues. and they weren't spoken about...they were pushed under the rug, so much so that it now resembles Mt. Rushmore. He had a divorce - and while he never spoke bad of his ex, he had scars...deep scars.
I had never seen a HEALTHY marriage. While some of my friends had happy parents, my mother was sure to drop hints and comments about things that weren't all they seemed and the wife did this and the dad did that...and so i always believed they drank and fought just like my parents. Then i went to college and i had the wonderful blessing of sitting next to Christy, a commuter who still lived at home. And her dad, seeing me leave campus every Friday afternoon, asked me where i was going and i let him know i was leaving the campus because i couldn't stand the smell of the fish they were serving. And he invited me to his house...and i saw a loving, happy, strong marriage. I went there a lot, and just soaked in the love. Oh my gosh, i have told Christy many a time, her parents helped me become the parent i am, and i love them for it.
Okay, so while Tim had always had his parents around him, he never saw them argue. His mother proudly told me that and expected me to do the same. Never argue in front of the children, they need to see a united front. Yeah, guess how that played out the first time he and i had a disagreement? He expected me to side with him, and not disagree, we were a united front. Yeah, oh heck no. The funny thing, is it was over something so stupid, it was about my music. While we dated, all those cd's were there, and he never said a word. We were married for 2 weeks and he let me know he didn't like them and didn't want them played in his house. Yeah, guess how i reacted to that? It was not pretty.
It wasn't long before it was clear we needed counseling. We had agreed before we said our vows that Divorce Was Not A Option. We both had been through one, we weren't going through it again. We worked through many an issue...and have been to counseling a few times since then....i am not ashamed about it - i am fighting for my marriage, for the lives of my children...and if we need to go again, we will.
Life throws curves - more kids (how dare he not agree with me on how to raise MY kids??!!? and oh my gosh, i am exhausted) Jobs (really? you have to work 65 hours this week, every week?) Moves (i am lonely, i miss my friends, why did your job take us so far away from my friend?) Hobbies (yeah, we have nothing in common there) oh my gosh, even our first year of marriage, we were screaming for opposite teams in the superbowl (his team won, let's not talk about it). And sadly, a near death experience that caused so many physical and emotional issues (and let me tell you, he was amazing, he still is to this day).
So before you throw in the towel, think of what you both brought into the marriage, and how are you going to work through them. Remember his past, remember your past - were there scars that will never heal, but can be soothed? Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of...it is showing each other you are willing to fight for what you have. It shows your kids that they were conceived in love, so much love, you are going to fight to keep it going.
Oh, and hey, if you want true hell, true absolute misery, true pain that leaves horrific scars...put your kid on a plane for Christmas because the other parent has custody that year and then your mind goes rampant with all the things that can happen to that plane. Spend your first holiday without your children, and realize that it is going to happen again and again for years to come. Tim and i had to put our girls on a plane right after 9/11, it was ...indescribable. And if you think you two will never live that far apart, so that isn't a problem...think again...one has to go where the work is.
Well, hey, while it would be nice to have a perfect marriage, it isn't going to happen. To put it quite mildly, you have to fight for what you love. That includes your marriage, raising your kids, keeping your friendships, your job...life is a battle - but it is so worth it.
I love you and i am praying for you.
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