Celebrating Autism?

Last week, my daughter Jenn pointed out an article to me about a mother of three daughters who seemed to intensely dislike "Celebrate Autism" events in April.  She is angry and tired and worn out because of all the demands required to raise three autistic daughters.

I have spent the past few days thinking about it, i can't even tell you what my feelings were about it, anger? annoyance? pity? sadness?  i have no clue.   So, i stopped thinking about how i felt about HER and started reflecting on what i think of Autism Speaks.

As many of you know, my youngest son is very active in the Autism Community.  He started a project in our county "Project Turn Orange Blue" in hopes of getting Orange County to be blue in April to raise awareness of autism.  I am proud of him, this has take a lot of work on his part and i have had to help him because, hey, not many people listened to a 11 year old.

Before i began to study special eduation, i was always in the belief that God only gave special needs children to those who can handle them...they were special, treasured mothers who deserved to raise HIS special kids.....

That thought soon changed my first month in a classroom during my internship.   It changed even more in the past 30 years of raising kids.  I don't know about the mothers being saints or gifted by God, but i know the kids are saints.

They tolerate cruelty, by their own parents, by siblings, by classmates, by strangers on the street.  They are picked on, bullied, neglected, laughed at, pushed, shoved, assaulted, abused, destroyed.  I get physically ill when i hear about kids taunting and harming kids who can't do anything to defend themselves.  It happened when i was a kid in school, it is still happening today.

And that is why i support Autism Speaks.

Am i thrilled i have an autistic son? No, but i am thrilled i have Nate.  Through all the demands, and the problems and the stress, he is still my most loving son, who comes into my room 30 times when i am sick and trying to sleep to ask if i am okay.  The one who worries when ben is sick and several times absolutely refused to go to school because ben needed him. 

I have watched kids tease him, been standing nearby when classmates have said cruel things, gotten letters from teachers who don't understand him.  I have put up with his temper, and his annoying habits, and lack of desire to do anything.  (hmmmm, wait, that sounds like my other three kids, too).  I have been exhausted to tears trying to get him to succeed in school, clean his room and mow the lawn.

I have spent hours wondering what is going to happen to him when i am gone?  Who is going to love him for being N8?  Will he be okay?  Will anyone ever love him and want to spend the rest of their life with him?  Will he ever know agape from anyone else but his family?

And that is why i support autism speaks. 

Because, it is teaching others about the wonders of autism.

It is showing people what autism is, and how marvelous autistic kids are.  It is showing why a child throws a tantrum in a noisy place, or refuses to eat certain food because of the texture, or rocks back and forth to their own beat. 

People stop seeing a "freak" and understand the person has autism and is just different.  Not bad, not strange, not someone to be thrown into a locked room, but someone with autism.  Someone, who if you just meet their needs halfway, can be a marvelous addition in your life.

Yes, there are autistic people who will never be "productive members of society" the way some people judge what productive is.  They won't hold down jobs, own a home, have 2.2 kids and invest in their own retirement.

But there are people in this world that are gifted with the ability to love them, and care for them, run adult homes, special education classes and workshops.  There are people who need to be needed, need to share their love and their patience with those who can't do for themselves.  They work day in and day out, making the lives of others better.  And they are the ones who are "productive members of society" and our world would be one heck of a mess with out them.

Because of blue lights, schools are hosting awareness days, sharing bits of information about autism, trying to stop the bullying and create understanding.  Kids wear blue, first probably because it is the thing to do that day, but then they start hearing facts and understand "that strange kid in the corner."

Not all the strange kids are autistic, but through Autism Speaks, people are learning to understand DIFFERENCES.  Not everyone fits into a specific mold.   Not everyone is going to be the popular cheerleader with the perfect skin and hair, or the big man on campus, playing in every sport.  Or the brain who aces all the exams and wins all the science fairs.  Or the kid who draws amazing portraits.  Or the student who makes everyone laugh.

Those blue lights are putting focus on differences.

And from a mother of an autistic kid who shuts down if the noise is too loud, and whose mouth doesn't have a filter and he says whatever comes to his mind, who can't stand the feel of certain fabrics and who will only eat one type of food for a few days but will watch over a little child like it is his own and a parent can feel good knowing Nate is nearby....i like that people are seeing my son as a little bit different, but a whole lot of amazing.

I love you.

God got me there.

As many of you know, i strongly believe in the power of prayer. 

At my church, i was honored to be asked to be responsible for the prayer chain, sending out requests via the phone chain.   Before i send them out, i take a minute to pray for the request and for the people receiving it, that they also have a minute to stop in their crazy day and say a few words to Our Father.

When i can't sleep, i say my ABC's.  For each letter, i pray for someone specific.  There have been a few nights when i have gotten through the alphabet several times...the challenge is to find someone else for each letter.

I know the only reason Ben and I are alive today, is because when i was in labor, people were praying for us.

But i don't like asking for prayer. I always think there is someone more in need of HIS attention.  

THAT BEING SAID......

This past week, i have been sick.  And instead of getting better, i was getting sicker.  I am on strong medication, using my nebulizer and yesterday, i could barely move.  I was actually scared, because i was just so miserable.

I could barely get to my phone, but i did and sent out a prayer request.   And i lay back down again.

When i woke...i felt almost human.  Tired, yes, but i could breathe without pain and the cough wasn't wracking my entire being.

I looked at my phone, and i had several messages, friends praying for me.

I was able to get up, sit in my chair in the living room, even eat some dinner.  Today, for the first time in a week, i am working at my desk for the day.

Well Played, Dear Lord.   

I love you.

what is left over?

It's amazing what can be made with junk.

Two weeks ago, i realized i had one too many left over balls of yarns.  My scraps were taking up more room than my actual skeins of yarn. so i decided it was time to do something about it.   

It was time to learn a new stitch, so i went on youtube and found a basket stitch, spent some time in prayer and decided it was time to make one of my own children a gift. 

So i just starting crocheting, no plan in mind, no color schemes, just knotting together yarn in threes and went to work.

Two weeks later, i had what i call my own personal picasso.   A thick, full of love afghan for Nate.  

In this blanket is left overs from hats, prayer shawls, ponchos, masks, scarves, purses, and whatever else i have made in the past 5 years. 

And while i made it, i got the opportunity to pray for my friends all over again.  Friends i haven't seen in years, one i haven't spoken to since i made her the shawl - we just drifted apart, but i got to pray for her again. 

One that was a wedding shawl, and she is now expecting a baby, so i got to pray for the baby, the marriage and the family. 

And it hit me, this was all left overs, not needed anymore, the skein had served its purpose, this was just what was left over, rolled into a ball, shoved in a plastic jar on top of shelves.  Not needed, just hanging around. 

But when i put them all together, they made a magical piece of love.

And i realized, that is a lot like my friends.  We were all just hanging around, looking for a place to belong. 

Some of us came together and made a beautiful prayer shawl ministry.

A couple of us needed to be closer to God and we formed a bible study.

A gang of kids needed to express themselves and learn about HIS love and we started Higher Power.

A friend reached out to us and led us to a church that brought my husband back to the ministry.

Odd colors, odd little leftovers that needed to be knotted together to make beautiful things.

Everyone around me, we have all had some yarn pulled from us - stress, age, children, jobs - life, has pulled the best part of us, like pulling yarn off a skein.  We have all given our best, and whatever is left over has been rolled into a protective ball.

But by bringing together was is left in each of us, we can all make something really beautiful.

I love you.

Okay, i am way different

There comes a time in your life that you realize...wow, i am so different!

Let me start with the basics....i was reading an article about the best and worst movies....and realized i liked a LOT of them on the worst list and the number one movie....did NOTHING for me.  Then there was an article about a stars best and worst movies...and the three on the bottom i OWN, and the three named her best movies, i did not like at all.  I seem to like movies that most people didn't like.  Three Jurassic Park movies, number 2 is said to be the worst - it scared the crap out of me.  My sons laughed their heads off....it is the one that scared me the most.

I haven't seen many of the movies people loved - i have never seen the Titanic, or the Notebook, and several other to die for movies - no happy movies...i don't like unhappy endings (hey, spoiler alert, in titanic, the boat sinks).  I don't like those amazing movies with meaning....give me a big explosion and the hero getting the girl in the end, that makes me happy.

I don't like fish.  Many meats i can only swallow if there is applesauce nearby.  Love tea, don't like coffee.  I love plain boring yogurt, not with fruit, maybe a touch of vanilla, but nothing fancy dancy.

I am always cold.  Winter, spring, summer, fall, i am cold.  I wear socks all the time.  I wear fur lined crocs all the time to keep my toes warm.

I got my wild side at the age of 50.  While most women my age are starting to fall into a happy way of life, satisfied with what they have and what they have done, i have pierced my upper ear, dyed my hair pink and purple, went sledding for the first time and want to go parasailing.  I didn't cut class, or do anything wild as a teenager, so now is MY time!  Luckily, my husband loves his little freaky wife.

Okay, so i am different.

And for a long time, i would've been very upset that i don't match with everyone else.   I would've tried to fit in, i would've tried to squeeze myself in to the mold of the world.  

Now, nah.  I am happy, i have my own mold, God made my mold and it is okay. Because He don't make junk, He made me the way He wants me to be to fill a need on this earth.

I am so happy, cause i am totally different.

Have a unique day!  I love you.  

Why "I Love You."

Recently someone asked me why i always say "I love you." 

I always finish my blog posts with it, when i hang up the phone, if i know you, i say it, if you are a stranger (or bill collector) i end with "have a blessed day."   If God puts someone on my heart, i either text or put a comment on facebook, wherever, to let that person i love them and are praying for them.

Why?  well, i do.

simple.

My mother died when i was in my early 20's.  We had a very hard relationship, and didn't speak often.  The night before she died, we spoke and agreed to finally sit down and try to work things out, and set a date for a month later.   I ended the conversation with "i love you, mom."  she responded she loved me too.

She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm the next morning, no warning, no time to say anything else, she was gone. 

I had a lot of regrets of things i didn't say, but in the end, our last moments together were in love.

I also learned a valuable lesson - you never know.  You don't know if you will ever see that person again, something can happen to you, something can happen to them.  

Also, dang it, don't we all need to know someone loves us???  On those days when everything goes wrong, when you think everyone is out to get you, everyone is laughing at you, hurting you, aren't you glad someone out there really truly LOVES you?  Without conditions, or reservations?

If God brought you in my life, He had a reason.   We meet a need for each other, we support each other, we worship together, we see each other in a store, where ever what ever, God wants us together.   I don't argue with Him, i bow and say okay.  I love Him, i love all the gifts He has given me, and i consider those He puts around me a present.

I love The Lord, I love presents...and i love you. 

Sledding down a hill....and having fun.

I have always been insecure about trying new things.   I have this incredible fear of being laughed at.   Trying new things means leaving myself open to ridicule, and making a fool of myself.  I have an amazing fear of being laughed at, i had enough of it during my teenage years.

So today, my boys went sledding...and i had my camera as my defense not to go downhill.   I took some amazing pictures, and no one could laugh at me...

Then, as people laughed around me, i decided to give up my fear - and to say the heck of what people think of me - and grabbed a sled.

And i had a blast.

I ended going down the hill multiple times, my sons were laughing WITH me, not at me, and other kids hi-5'd me as i came to a stop at the bottom.

My butt hurts, i had snow down my neck, my hands were freezing, i had snow all over my face - and it was so much fun.

Silly that it took 51 years for me to finally not care what others think of me - and not to worry about making a fool of myself.  While some people looked at me like was crazy as i laughed hysterically flying down the hill, i was having fun. 

I think of so many other things i didn't try, out of fear of looking stupid and shake my head.  In order not to be laughed out, i lost out on a lot of fun.

No more.  

I am going to try it all, and laugh if i mess up, giggle when i succeed and hi-5 my kids when i am done.

I love you. 

to forgive is....difficult

Okay, so i have discovered  when God wants to speak to me, He is anything but subtle.   Recently, i have had devotionals, bible studies and sermons - all having to do with forgiveness.  Hmm, trying to tell me something Lord?

Forgiveness did not come easy for me.   Wow, i could hold a grudge - most of them going back to my high school years.

But thanks to computers, myspace and facebook, people from around the world have been finding each other and friending each other.   If you look at my friend list, you will see people who rarely gave me a second glance in school, but asked to friend me and i accepted.  Not that i was amazed and in awestruck happiness that they wanted to acknowledge my lowly existence, but because  30 years have passed and there was no reason not to accept their friend request.  (okay, except the idiot who pushed me in a locker and laughed at me for three years about it).   I discovered one person i totally disliked was a total misunderstanding and we now talk daily.  Another has said my faith encourages her.  Friends who knew me then and read my comments now are happy to see how my life has come around.

I had issues with my mother (i know, who didn't?) and after my daughter was born, i realized she had done the best she could, i was going to do a better job.  


People who bullied me, it took me a long time, but i was able to just shrug it off.  I survived, i thrived and other kids have benefited from what i learned.  

But...BUT...oh there is that but...there are some people who hurt me/my family and i haven't gotten that far...i just can't forgive them yet.  Trust me, i am working on it....but when one recently tried to friend me on facebook...i just couldn't.   I could NOT accept that request.    I thought about it, i repeated "Forgiveness is Divine" several times in my head...and realized i am just not ready.

But that's okay....for now.  God expects better of me, and i am working on it.   I am a work in progress.  But i better get a move on it, God only has so much patience!  Holding a grudge takes time away from my life.  Thinking about what they did to me and how i would love to get them back, that takes time away from my happy place.  When i spent time dwelling on my pain, i am not enjoying my blessings.   I have so much to enjoy, looking back is a waste of time and i need to remember that, and forgive.

I keep hoping others are able to forgive anything i have done.  I pray that i haven't harmed anyone without apologizing for my carelessness and stupidity.

Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...  I can do this.

I love you.