to forgive is....difficult

Okay, so i have discovered  when God wants to speak to me, He is anything but subtle.   Recently, i have had devotionals, bible studies and sermons - all having to do with forgiveness.  Hmm, trying to tell me something Lord?

Forgiveness did not come easy for me.   Wow, i could hold a grudge - most of them going back to my high school years.

But thanks to computers, myspace and facebook, people from around the world have been finding each other and friending each other.   If you look at my friend list, you will see people who rarely gave me a second glance in school, but asked to friend me and i accepted.  Not that i was amazed and in awestruck happiness that they wanted to acknowledge my lowly existence, but because  30 years have passed and there was no reason not to accept their friend request.  (okay, except the idiot who pushed me in a locker and laughed at me for three years about it).   I discovered one person i totally disliked was a total misunderstanding and we now talk daily.  Another has said my faith encourages her.  Friends who knew me then and read my comments now are happy to see how my life has come around.

I had issues with my mother (i know, who didn't?) and after my daughter was born, i realized she had done the best she could, i was going to do a better job.  


People who bullied me, it took me a long time, but i was able to just shrug it off.  I survived, i thrived and other kids have benefited from what i learned.  

But...BUT...oh there is that but...there are some people who hurt me/my family and i haven't gotten that far...i just can't forgive them yet.  Trust me, i am working on it....but when one recently tried to friend me on facebook...i just couldn't.   I could NOT accept that request.    I thought about it, i repeated "Forgiveness is Divine" several times in my head...and realized i am just not ready.

But that's okay....for now.  God expects better of me, and i am working on it.   I am a work in progress.  But i better get a move on it, God only has so much patience!  Holding a grudge takes time away from my life.  Thinking about what they did to me and how i would love to get them back, that takes time away from my happy place.  When i spent time dwelling on my pain, i am not enjoying my blessings.   I have so much to enjoy, looking back is a waste of time and i need to remember that, and forgive.

I keep hoping others are able to forgive anything i have done.  I pray that i haven't harmed anyone without apologizing for my carelessness and stupidity.

Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...  I can do this.

I love you.