Parent Figures

I was very quiet around Father's Day. 

I had a father....but he was an absentee father...a man who chose to abandon his children because he didn't like his wife anymore.  When we did see him, he drank, a lot.   To this day, the smell of beer makes me queasy and the smell of bars reminds me of falling asleep in a booth while my father sat at a bar drinking until drunk...then drive home with my brother and i held hands in fear.  
He wasn't all bad, when i had no where to go with my little girl, he opened his home to us and was totally in love with his grand daughter. 

While looking at Father's Day cards to give to my husband, i read a lot of cards...and i had a lot of emotions, and thought of a lot of people who deserved cards for what they brought into my life.

Like my big brother, Kerry, who loved Jenn unconditionally, and was always there for me.  He was the person i could lean on when things got rough.  We both dealt with our alcoholic parents differently (yes, i admit, he was the nice one), we leaned on each other, clutched each others hands and survived together.  Jenn was totally in love with him when we lived under the same roof, he was amazing with her and gave her the male support she needed, even giving her the first rings she ever wore.

And Frank Cinelli.   When i went to college, i met Christy, and we ended up sitting next to each other in every class.   Every day, her dad came and picked her up and drove her home, and he eventually took notice of me on Fridays, when as soon as class was over, i would get as far away from the campus as i could.   Why?  Because it was a Catholic College...who served Fish every stinking Friday.  And stink was right, i couldn't stand the smell.  So he invited me over for dinner.   And eventually, he was picking me on up Fridays along with Christy.   I saw a man who treasured his family and adored his wife.   Dinner was a fun affair, with delicious food, lots of laughter and i saw that you could drink wine (homemade no less) without getting drunk.  I saw kids who loved their parents and came to them with problems and knew they wouldn't be judged, but loved.  Life wasn't perfect, but they stuck together through it all. 

And my uncle Oom Henk.   Talk about a loving man.   I loved it when he looked over at his wife and he got the look in his eyes of "wow, she is my wife."  I will never forget, one time i was with my Oma, and we were watching Oom Henk and Tante Diny walking down the street together holding hands and i noticed Oma had tears in her eyes.   I asked her why she was crying, and she said it was because she was happy that her daughter was loved so much.   He would often be sitting in a chair watching over his children, and you could see the pride in his eyes. 

And Oom Hans, who was my father when i was in Holland.  When i was young, i wanted to marry him (His wife might have objected), he was the perfect man in my eyes.  He called his mother every day to make sure she was okay.  He tolerated my silliness and he would sing Mario Lanza.  He took me to the woods and showed me deer and had the most beautiful laugh.

And my ex-father in law, who invites my entire clan to his home and has a big laugh and a bigger heart.
And of course, Tim.  A man who loves my daughter like his own, loves all our children and is so proud of all their accomplishments, who showed his daughters how a man is supposed to treat their wife.

There are so many men out there that did what i didn't have, so many women who taught me who i needed to be.

And i thank each and every one of them.

I love you.

The good and bad.

Normally i don't pay attention to my phone when it says i have a comment on facebook.  All the sounds are turned off, so i usually don't even know when one is posted.   However, today, i was sending a message to my son, when the message thingy light went on, so i just flipped over to it when i was done.  And i was very glad i did.

I had posted a positive message about a police officer and learned quickly that someone i know doesn't have a nice word to say about the men in blue.  She used language that shocked me and comments that saddened me.  I quickly deleted her post, then sent her a message asking her not to post that sort of language on my comments, i have a lot of kids on my page. Her response was pretty much that cops....weren't her favorite people, and then she unfriended me.

Okay then.

Yes, there are has been a lot of negativity towards cops lately.   Okay, more than a lot.   Does that mean i should hate all cops?

There are good cops and there are bad cops.  There are good sales people and there are bad sales people?  Do i hate all sales people?  There are good politicians and bad politicians - do i hate all politicians?   There are good wedding planners and bad wedding planners, do i hate them all?  Good & bad ministers, good and bad coaches, good and bad news reporters, good and bad teachers, good and bad beauticians...get my point?

I am thankful for the cops that risk their lives every day to look out for me and mine.   Yes, i have met a few bad cops....i have had to deal with one first hand....but i know for every one bad, there are 500 good.   5000 good, 50,000 good.

Knowing that there is a cop in my sons school every day gives me a measure of security.   Knowing that there is a cop driving around our community makes me think that the crazy speeders might be caught.  Knowing a cop walks around in the mall gives me hope that thieves will be caught.

I know one or two cops personally.  I know a several firefighters personally.   I pray for them daily, that they have a safe day at work, that they come home to their families and pets in one piece.  I pray for their families that worry about them all day long.

I was sad to read that cops in Baltimore are afraid to do their jobs right now.  Not only sad for them, for sad for the city, which is now being held captive by people who vandalized and destroyed a section of the city because they could.   No one will ever convince me that all those kids were out there because they cared about the shooting that took place...many saw a chance to destroy and did.  Cops are being abused, bullied and unable to fight back.

I was also sad to see that someone felt so strongly against the Heroes in Blue that they unfriended me because i didn't share her opinion.

I will be praying for her.  Part of me hopes she never has to call a cop - part of me hopes she does have to call one and gets to see how incredibly amazing they are in times of stress.  

No man is perfect, therefore no cop is perfect.  The USA employees over 1.1 millions people, there are bound to be some bad apples in there.   But there are a lot more fantastic ones in bushel. 

On average, one cop dies every 60 hours in the USA.   They walk out the door every morning knowing there is a chance they might be among those fallen.

Yup...heroes.

I love you. 

Its okay to say good-bye

It is amazing how life has so many changes.

Recently, i had a chance to talk to someone who used to be in my life daily.  We prayed together, we shared hobbies, our families went out together, i helped plan a milestone birthday for her, she was there during one of the most difficult times of my life.   We went to church together, and i couldn't imagine not having that person in my life.

Then years went by.  We moved away, and then came back and while we were friendly to each other, our lives were different.   I had changed, drastically, and had issues that needed time to heal. 

And while we were friendly, eventually, we just stopped talking to each other.

Recently, we met again, and while we shared a few things of how the family was doing, no empty "let's get together sometime" were shared.

While i mourned the loss of this friendship while it was happening, i realized that changes are necessary and part of God's plan.

In my life, i have had several "groups of friends."  Friends that shared kids the same age, hobbies, church, sports, schools, you name it.  Many of us prayed together, dined together, celebrated together.  We laughed, shared funny tales together....

 But then, when, for example, the club disbanded, so did the friendship.   Maybe we are still friends on FaceBook, but otherwise, there is nothing else there.   I see pictures on facebook of several of the old club having fun with others, but i wasn't invited.

In the past, this would have devastated me.   My lack of self-esteem would've reared its ugly head and i would've been convinced it was all me...all my fault.  I said something, i did something - something i did caused them not to like me anymore.  Maybe i would consider calling them, doing ANYTHING to be invited to the next event.

 Now, it is okay.  It's okay to say good-bye to the old and welcome in the new.   Like that saying "when one door closes, a window opens" when one friendship ends, it is time to open the window, climb out and find the next friend.  Time to see who else wants to laugh over your texts early in the morning, and wants to meet someone for a quick bite and a boost in morale that only you can provide.   Someone who has a new hobby to bring into your life, and clutter your craft room and frustrate your spouse.

I do have life long friendships, a friend that has been in my life as long as i can remember, another i can call on anytime, she knows she can do the same for me.....but there have been so many friends that have come and gone, and it took me some time to realize that's a good thing.  

There are only so many hours in the day, why waste them on the old that does nothing to help you grown and improve your life?   Treasure the times you had, and then look around and see who else needs to see your smile.  Let someone teach you something you a new craft that you NEED to try (snort) or spend time with you trying on clothes for your ever changing waistline.

Yes, saying goodbye to the old is hard and often hurts, but it really is a good thing.

I love you.

Still the follower

As a kid, i was never a leader...i was always somewhere in the back of the group, my opinions weren't asked by classmates, if i wore something different, i was laughed at, not copied.

Okay, that was then.

In the past 25 or so years, i have worked hard on not caring on what others think of me and not caring being a follower.  "I is me and me is I"  If i like something someone wears, i might get one, but if i don't like it, i don't care if it is the fad, i don't like it   Case in point, that necklace everyone is wearing, glass with a few charms in it...yes it is cute, but i would never wear it.   It isn't my style, i don't like round jewelry, i have a charm bracelet already, etc, etc.   I have been proud of myself, i have been invited to several parties and normally, i would go because everyone else was going and i might buy something just because i want the host to like me.  I haven't done either.  (Pat myself on my back.)

And then i realized..i am still a copycat,

Recently, someone was telling me some things about someone else.  She didn't like this person, and was giving me several reasons why.

A few days later, i met that person.   And i automatically had a chip on my shoulder against her.  I wasn't the friendliest person i could be, i was sort of...snobby.

As the day wore on, we had to work side by side together and she won me over.  She had me laughing, telling me silly stories about her children and we worked well together.  We friended each other on facebook, and have hung out several times together.

On the flip side, there is a person that is very popular, very active in children's events and because she had such clout, i felt i should be friends with her.   Others spoke highly of her, so, well, i guess i had to, too.   And every time we did things together, i wasn't having fun.   Recently, i finally got some spine, and just stopped hanging around with her.  

But it is amazing how easily i still follow the leader.  I have little confidence in my own opinions, apparently, and if someone tells me something, i find myself agreeing without question.   I want to be liked and i have a habit of going along with the flow.

Time to remember Joshua 1.9, Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."


God gave me a brain, He gave me an opinion, He designed me this way and while many don't like me and often give me advice on how to be a better person, it is time for me to just say NO.  Give me constructive criticism, not destructive criticism.  Like me for who i am and accept me warts and all.

And i will do the same for you.


I love you.

a lesson well learned

I am almost blown away by the news today.   Riots, wars, hate.

On facebook pages, people spitting anger and insults.  Bullying texts.    Angry emails.  Kids hurting each other, name calling.

It's hard not to get sucked in the hate.  Hard not to join in the riots, the fury, the misery.

The political ads, the journalists, the news...it all seems so full of hate for each other.

I spent a lot of time praying about it, a lot of time trying to avoid getting sucked in.

This morning i found myself angry at the kids rioting, hurting each other, hurting innocent shop owners. 

Then thinking back at myself over the past few months, i realized i have been sucked in.  There is a person that drives me OUT of my mind, and i have said i hate her.   There is a person i avoid at all times, i will do anything not to talk to her.

What makes me so different than the people throwing bricks and setting fires?

I begged HIM for forgiveness.   And then i began to think how i can stop this negative way of thinking.

I have always gone by the life lesson that GOD is the artist of every single person on this earth and if i am hating against someone, i am hating against HIM.

I don't hate Him, i love HIM, does that mean i have to love everything about every single person?

I don't believe so.  I am not perfect, there is only one perfect, and that is Jesus Christ.   And i am forgiven.  Forgiven for my sins, for my angry thoughts.

And then i remembered a lesson i learned in college.   While studying education, our professor said we need to treat all kids right.  We can't be mean to a kid just because we don't like them, that we needed to find something about every single person that we like, even if is their eyelashes or their nice hands.

So, i am going to work on that.  No matter how much i don't like someone in my life, God put them there for a reason and i am going to find something about everyone, and start focusing on the good in everyone.

Because i really don't like myself when i am angry and hating.  

I love you.

You never know....

It started in 2001, right after my youngest child, Ben, was born.  I started noticing i hurt.   I just hurt, everywhere.  My back, my arms, my legs, the migraines increased, i felt awful.
For a long time, ias told it was recovering my the birth and trauma.   I suffered HELLP Syndrome, a rare and deadly pre-eclampsia.  My blood pressure was sky high, my liver was rupturing, my platelets were down to 7000 (normal is 150,000-400,000).

My thyroid died, so i was put on medication, and i struggled to stay awake, to be a functioning parent.   But the pain continued to get worse.

So we started going to doctors, first my gp, and the ob/gyn.  I had been dealing with endometriosis for years, maybe that was a cause....?

Then we moved.  First in Indiana, where i had a full hysterectomy.  The doctors there asked me if i was depressed, if i had friends, if i had a happy marriage....blah blah blah.

Moved to Nevada...more doctors.  One doctor made Tim's day.  His suggestion was that i needed more sex.

Doctors kept saying it was mental.  I lost several friends when i cancelled events because i cancelled outings because i just hurt so much.  People who barely knew me actually accused me of faking, saying i just didn't want to (fill in the blank).  I was lazy, i didn't care about others, i wasn't a good pastors wife because a few times i didn't go to some event.   

I am blessed, never once did my husband or children turn on me.  Tim was and is, an amazing supporting husband.  My kids did whatever they could to help me.

We moved back to VA, i was stressed, i was miserable, i was hurting.  We had just gone through some horrible things and we just needed time to heal and find ourselves again.

Finally, a doctor LISTENED to me and gave me the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.  Tim and i went to a bookstore, grabbed every book on the subject and then sat in the cafe and read for hours.  Tim turned to me and said "Honey, this is what you have been saying for years."  Finally Finally FINALLY we had an answer.   Chronic Fatigue was added to it and i felt vindicated.

We started searching medications and diets and a lot more.  

There are days i hurt so much, i can't breathe.  There are days i feel just fine and go to my sons races and out with friends and go to church with a smile on my face.

There are days, i can't get out of bed.

I can no longer work on Sundays in the children's program, because i don't know what my body is going to do that day.  I no longer make plans unless it is with someone who understands my situation.

Thing is, i don't have a broken arm, or am forced in a wheelchair.  To many, i look perfectly healthy, even on days that i ache.   

Because of that, people laugh at me when i say i am sick, because, hey, i look healthy.  The same goes for people with arthritis, lymphoma, and so many other illnesses.  

Someone recently put a note on the car of a lady parked in the handicapped parking space, asking her if her handicap was her brain (yes, she had her little handicapped sign on her rear view mirror).  My friend has Rheumatoid arthritis, and is often in so much pain, walking from the car to the grocery store exhausts her and after shopping, she often has to take medication and lay down for the rest of the day.

Another friend was having repeated seizures, but no diagnosis. Her (now ex) husband and even her children accused of her faking it.  People saw her gardening in the yard and say "well, she can garden, how sick can she be?"  A few years ago she had major brain surgery.  She was "faking" it so well,  she fooled a top neurosurgeon, who scheduled her for surgery immediately after watching her "fake seizure" on an mri.

I was messaged just a few days ago, someone asking me for help.  Her body is raked with pain, but she is being told she is a hypochondriac.

The most famous diagnosis, you are depressed, take some happy pills and you will be fine.

I guess what i am saying is "Not so fast."  If some has a cast on their arm, or is walking on crutches, every one is quick to jump in and help.

But when the ailment is invisible, so many people doubt you.

I used to wonder WHY this happened.  What did God want from me?  Then i realized - with the HELLP syndrome, i started a website to help others recovering from help and get support.   People around me, including my own daughter, recognized someone with HELLP in the hospital and was able to help them. With fibro, i have met others with physical ailments and we support each other, and lean on each other, even shop for each other if necessary.   We never doubt each other. 

I thank God for the opportunity to help those around me and those across the world.

When you see someone sitting down, looking beat.  Or when you see someone sitting in their car, looking pained, maybe asleep.  Or when someone cancels plans, saying they just can't go...don't be so quick to judge.

They may hurt more than you can ever imagine.

I love you.  

Celebrating Autism?

Last week, my daughter Jenn pointed out an article to me about a mother of three daughters who seemed to intensely dislike "Celebrate Autism" events in April.  She is angry and tired and worn out because of all the demands required to raise three autistic daughters.

I have spent the past few days thinking about it, i can't even tell you what my feelings were about it, anger? annoyance? pity? sadness?  i have no clue.   So, i stopped thinking about how i felt about HER and started reflecting on what i think of Autism Speaks.

As many of you know, my youngest son is very active in the Autism Community.  He started a project in our county "Project Turn Orange Blue" in hopes of getting Orange County to be blue in April to raise awareness of autism.  I am proud of him, this has take a lot of work on his part and i have had to help him because, hey, not many people listened to a 11 year old.

Before i began to study special eduation, i was always in the belief that God only gave special needs children to those who can handle them...they were special, treasured mothers who deserved to raise HIS special kids.....

That thought soon changed my first month in a classroom during my internship.   It changed even more in the past 30 years of raising kids.  I don't know about the mothers being saints or gifted by God, but i know the kids are saints.

They tolerate cruelty, by their own parents, by siblings, by classmates, by strangers on the street.  They are picked on, bullied, neglected, laughed at, pushed, shoved, assaulted, abused, destroyed.  I get physically ill when i hear about kids taunting and harming kids who can't do anything to defend themselves.  It happened when i was a kid in school, it is still happening today.

And that is why i support Autism Speaks.

Am i thrilled i have an autistic son? No, but i am thrilled i have Nate.  Through all the demands, and the problems and the stress, he is still my most loving son, who comes into my room 30 times when i am sick and trying to sleep to ask if i am okay.  The one who worries when ben is sick and several times absolutely refused to go to school because ben needed him. 

I have watched kids tease him, been standing nearby when classmates have said cruel things, gotten letters from teachers who don't understand him.  I have put up with his temper, and his annoying habits, and lack of desire to do anything.  (hmmmm, wait, that sounds like my other three kids, too).  I have been exhausted to tears trying to get him to succeed in school, clean his room and mow the lawn.

I have spent hours wondering what is going to happen to him when i am gone?  Who is going to love him for being N8?  Will he be okay?  Will anyone ever love him and want to spend the rest of their life with him?  Will he ever know agape from anyone else but his family?

And that is why i support autism speaks. 

Because, it is teaching others about the wonders of autism.

It is showing people what autism is, and how marvelous autistic kids are.  It is showing why a child throws a tantrum in a noisy place, or refuses to eat certain food because of the texture, or rocks back and forth to their own beat. 

People stop seeing a "freak" and understand the person has autism and is just different.  Not bad, not strange, not someone to be thrown into a locked room, but someone with autism.  Someone, who if you just meet their needs halfway, can be a marvelous addition in your life.

Yes, there are autistic people who will never be "productive members of society" the way some people judge what productive is.  They won't hold down jobs, own a home, have 2.2 kids and invest in their own retirement.

But there are people in this world that are gifted with the ability to love them, and care for them, run adult homes, special education classes and workshops.  There are people who need to be needed, need to share their love and their patience with those who can't do for themselves.  They work day in and day out, making the lives of others better.  And they are the ones who are "productive members of society" and our world would be one heck of a mess with out them.

Because of blue lights, schools are hosting awareness days, sharing bits of information about autism, trying to stop the bullying and create understanding.  Kids wear blue, first probably because it is the thing to do that day, but then they start hearing facts and understand "that strange kid in the corner."

Not all the strange kids are autistic, but through Autism Speaks, people are learning to understand DIFFERENCES.  Not everyone fits into a specific mold.   Not everyone is going to be the popular cheerleader with the perfect skin and hair, or the big man on campus, playing in every sport.  Or the brain who aces all the exams and wins all the science fairs.  Or the kid who draws amazing portraits.  Or the student who makes everyone laugh.

Those blue lights are putting focus on differences.

And from a mother of an autistic kid who shuts down if the noise is too loud, and whose mouth doesn't have a filter and he says whatever comes to his mind, who can't stand the feel of certain fabrics and who will only eat one type of food for a few days but will watch over a little child like it is his own and a parent can feel good knowing Nate is nearby....i like that people are seeing my son as a little bit different, but a whole lot of amazing.

I love you.