Lonliness

It's amazing how easy it is to be lonely, when surrounded by people. 

Years ago, i lost both my parents.   Both left too soon, only having met one of my four kids.  While i didn't have a perfect relationship with them, the loss of grandparents for my kids is sometimes more than i can bear.  

I have friends, i believe i have  a good amount of friends, but....you ever have that feeling that you are all alone? You find out your friends are doing things without you and you go through that "No one really likes me" phase?  When you're standing in a crowd, and everyone seems to be talking around you, but not with you?   When you feel overwhelmed and feel like you have no one to call to help you out?

Yeah, me too.

No matter how popular you are, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how well you get along with your co-workers, you feel completely alone.

The past few weeks, i have felt completely alone.   I feel lonely, deep down bone aching lonely.   My family is in Holland, they are having their own issues.  I have friends, but everyone seems to be battling their own issues.  We left our church, and are searching for a new home, and i received emails telling me that i had been removed from their online neighborhood, emails and prayer requests.

Last night, i woke up in the middle of the night, exhausted beyond exhausted, but unable to sleep.   I was overwhelmed with thoughts of being alone, no friends, no one cared about me.  It was devastated.   Tears soaked my pillow, i was just lost.  Very cold, very alone.

Then, somewhere in the dark,  i felt a hand on my shoulder.  First, i thought it was my husband, but he was still snoring to the left of me, and the hand was on my right.  Where i had been bone cold, i suddenly felt warmth.  While no one said anything, i heard in my heart "You are not alone."

And that's when it occurred to me - Satan was having a field day with my emotions.   Leaving a church, feeling like i had lost so many friends there....he knew i was low and sad.  My friends were all doing different things, we are all too busy this time of year, and he was trying to get me to feel that no one wanted me as a friend.  Satan was trying to make me feel small and alone.

But that warmth worked its way down to my toes.  I took a deep cleansing breath.   I then reached over for my phone, and opened the bible app, randomly opening a book.  

Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD is the one who is going ahead of you. He will be with you. He won’t abandon you or leave you. So don’t be afraid or terrified.”
 
My tears of depression and grief turned to joy.  I got up, went outside in the pouring rain and just lifted my face to Him and thanked Him for loving me, wrapping me in His loving arms.   I found myself laughing, as the rain drenched me.  Laughing at satans attempt to drown me in sorrow.  He knew my weakness, my fear of not having friends, something that has been with me since childhood.   Fear of people not wanting me around, laughing behind my back, pushing me away.    But God gave me HIS strength to fight against satan.  He sent someone down, just to touch me, to make sure i knew i wasn't alone.

Recently, I was the person he sent out to touch a friend.  A few weeks ago, He had me send out a text to a friend, just a reminder to my friend that I loved him.  He texted me back, saying i had no idea how much he needed that right then and there.  I texted him back, saying God knew, and that's why He had me text my friend.    I got a call a few minutes later, and my friend told me the battle he had been fighting and his fears.  I told him God was in control, and He told me to pray for him.   A few days ago, my friend called me, happy, things were turning for the better. 

We are never alone.   God may send me to touch your shoulder, another friend to call or text you with a loving message.  In the middle of the night, you may feel cold and alone....and you need to remember, you're not.  He is there.   When you are at your worst, He is at His best. 

When you are so far down, i am here for you.   I love you.