what is left over?

It's amazing what can be made with junk.

Two weeks ago, i realized i had one too many left over balls of yarns.  My scraps were taking up more room than my actual skeins of yarn. so i decided it was time to do something about it.   

It was time to learn a new stitch, so i went on youtube and found a basket stitch, spent some time in prayer and decided it was time to make one of my own children a gift. 

So i just starting crocheting, no plan in mind, no color schemes, just knotting together yarn in threes and went to work.

Two weeks later, i had what i call my own personal picasso.   A thick, full of love afghan for Nate.  

In this blanket is left overs from hats, prayer shawls, ponchos, masks, scarves, purses, and whatever else i have made in the past 5 years. 

And while i made it, i got the opportunity to pray for my friends all over again.  Friends i haven't seen in years, one i haven't spoken to since i made her the shawl - we just drifted apart, but i got to pray for her again. 

One that was a wedding shawl, and she is now expecting a baby, so i got to pray for the baby, the marriage and the family. 

And it hit me, this was all left overs, not needed anymore, the skein had served its purpose, this was just what was left over, rolled into a ball, shoved in a plastic jar on top of shelves.  Not needed, just hanging around. 

But when i put them all together, they made a magical piece of love.

And i realized, that is a lot like my friends.  We were all just hanging around, looking for a place to belong. 

Some of us came together and made a beautiful prayer shawl ministry.

A couple of us needed to be closer to God and we formed a bible study.

A gang of kids needed to express themselves and learn about HIS love and we started Higher Power.

A friend reached out to us and led us to a church that brought my husband back to the ministry.

Odd colors, odd little leftovers that needed to be knotted together to make beautiful things.

Everyone around me, we have all had some yarn pulled from us - stress, age, children, jobs - life, has pulled the best part of us, like pulling yarn off a skein.  We have all given our best, and whatever is left over has been rolled into a protective ball.

But by bringing together was is left in each of us, we can all make something really beautiful.

I love you.

Okay, i am way different

There comes a time in your life that you realize...wow, i am so different!

Let me start with the basics....i was reading an article about the best and worst movies....and realized i liked a LOT of them on the worst list and the number one movie....did NOTHING for me.  Then there was an article about a stars best and worst movies...and the three on the bottom i OWN, and the three named her best movies, i did not like at all.  I seem to like movies that most people didn't like.  Three Jurassic Park movies, number 2 is said to be the worst - it scared the crap out of me.  My sons laughed their heads off....it is the one that scared me the most.

I haven't seen many of the movies people loved - i have never seen the Titanic, or the Notebook, and several other to die for movies - no happy movies...i don't like unhappy endings (hey, spoiler alert, in titanic, the boat sinks).  I don't like those amazing movies with meaning....give me a big explosion and the hero getting the girl in the end, that makes me happy.

I don't like fish.  Many meats i can only swallow if there is applesauce nearby.  Love tea, don't like coffee.  I love plain boring yogurt, not with fruit, maybe a touch of vanilla, but nothing fancy dancy.

I am always cold.  Winter, spring, summer, fall, i am cold.  I wear socks all the time.  I wear fur lined crocs all the time to keep my toes warm.

I got my wild side at the age of 50.  While most women my age are starting to fall into a happy way of life, satisfied with what they have and what they have done, i have pierced my upper ear, dyed my hair pink and purple, went sledding for the first time and want to go parasailing.  I didn't cut class, or do anything wild as a teenager, so now is MY time!  Luckily, my husband loves his little freaky wife.

Okay, so i am different.

And for a long time, i would've been very upset that i don't match with everyone else.   I would've tried to fit in, i would've tried to squeeze myself in to the mold of the world.  

Now, nah.  I am happy, i have my own mold, God made my mold and it is okay. Because He don't make junk, He made me the way He wants me to be to fill a need on this earth.

I am so happy, cause i am totally different.

Have a unique day!  I love you.  

Why "I Love You."

Recently someone asked me why i always say "I love you." 

I always finish my blog posts with it, when i hang up the phone, if i know you, i say it, if you are a stranger (or bill collector) i end with "have a blessed day."   If God puts someone on my heart, i either text or put a comment on facebook, wherever, to let that person i love them and are praying for them.

Why?  well, i do.

simple.

My mother died when i was in my early 20's.  We had a very hard relationship, and didn't speak often.  The night before she died, we spoke and agreed to finally sit down and try to work things out, and set a date for a month later.   I ended the conversation with "i love you, mom."  she responded she loved me too.

She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm the next morning, no warning, no time to say anything else, she was gone. 

I had a lot of regrets of things i didn't say, but in the end, our last moments together were in love.

I also learned a valuable lesson - you never know.  You don't know if you will ever see that person again, something can happen to you, something can happen to them.  

Also, dang it, don't we all need to know someone loves us???  On those days when everything goes wrong, when you think everyone is out to get you, everyone is laughing at you, hurting you, aren't you glad someone out there really truly LOVES you?  Without conditions, or reservations?

If God brought you in my life, He had a reason.   We meet a need for each other, we support each other, we worship together, we see each other in a store, where ever what ever, God wants us together.   I don't argue with Him, i bow and say okay.  I love Him, i love all the gifts He has given me, and i consider those He puts around me a present.

I love The Lord, I love presents...and i love you. 

Sledding down a hill....and having fun.

I have always been insecure about trying new things.   I have this incredible fear of being laughed at.   Trying new things means leaving myself open to ridicule, and making a fool of myself.  I have an amazing fear of being laughed at, i had enough of it during my teenage years.

So today, my boys went sledding...and i had my camera as my defense not to go downhill.   I took some amazing pictures, and no one could laugh at me...

Then, as people laughed around me, i decided to give up my fear - and to say the heck of what people think of me - and grabbed a sled.

And i had a blast.

I ended going down the hill multiple times, my sons were laughing WITH me, not at me, and other kids hi-5'd me as i came to a stop at the bottom.

My butt hurts, i had snow down my neck, my hands were freezing, i had snow all over my face - and it was so much fun.

Silly that it took 51 years for me to finally not care what others think of me - and not to worry about making a fool of myself.  While some people looked at me like was crazy as i laughed hysterically flying down the hill, i was having fun. 

I think of so many other things i didn't try, out of fear of looking stupid and shake my head.  In order not to be laughed out, i lost out on a lot of fun.

No more.  

I am going to try it all, and laugh if i mess up, giggle when i succeed and hi-5 my kids when i am done.

I love you. 

to forgive is....difficult

Okay, so i have discovered  when God wants to speak to me, He is anything but subtle.   Recently, i have had devotionals, bible studies and sermons - all having to do with forgiveness.  Hmm, trying to tell me something Lord?

Forgiveness did not come easy for me.   Wow, i could hold a grudge - most of them going back to my high school years.

But thanks to computers, myspace and facebook, people from around the world have been finding each other and friending each other.   If you look at my friend list, you will see people who rarely gave me a second glance in school, but asked to friend me and i accepted.  Not that i was amazed and in awestruck happiness that they wanted to acknowledge my lowly existence, but because  30 years have passed and there was no reason not to accept their friend request.  (okay, except the idiot who pushed me in a locker and laughed at me for three years about it).   I discovered one person i totally disliked was a total misunderstanding and we now talk daily.  Another has said my faith encourages her.  Friends who knew me then and read my comments now are happy to see how my life has come around.

I had issues with my mother (i know, who didn't?) and after my daughter was born, i realized she had done the best she could, i was going to do a better job.  


People who bullied me, it took me a long time, but i was able to just shrug it off.  I survived, i thrived and other kids have benefited from what i learned.  

But...BUT...oh there is that but...there are some people who hurt me/my family and i haven't gotten that far...i just can't forgive them yet.  Trust me, i am working on it....but when one recently tried to friend me on facebook...i just couldn't.   I could NOT accept that request.    I thought about it, i repeated "Forgiveness is Divine" several times in my head...and realized i am just not ready.

But that's okay....for now.  God expects better of me, and i am working on it.   I am a work in progress.  But i better get a move on it, God only has so much patience!  Holding a grudge takes time away from my life.  Thinking about what they did to me and how i would love to get them back, that takes time away from my happy place.  When i spent time dwelling on my pain, i am not enjoying my blessings.   I have so much to enjoy, looking back is a waste of time and i need to remember that, and forgive.

I keep hoping others are able to forgive anything i have done.  I pray that i haven't harmed anyone without apologizing for my carelessness and stupidity.

Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...Forgiveness is divine...  I can do this.

I love you.

Allow your picture to be taken....your kids will thank you.

Recently, i went to take a picture of a friend, who was looking lovely sitting with the light behind her...and soon as she saw me, she put her hand up, covering her face. 

"Ugh, don't take pictures of me, i look horrible!"

Actually, no, she looked beautiful...as always.   I see her as a lovely lady, with caring eyes and an incredible smile.

So do her children.  

But years from now, the kids will have very few pictures of their mother, because she always avoided the camera, because, in her opinion, she looked awful or was too fat, or she had an ugly smile, or or or or.  The list can go on.

Trust me, i know.  I feel heavier than i ever have, i see wrinkles that weren't there last year, my hair must hate me, because it never looks right. 

But take a picture, please.

Because when i am gone, my kids can look at the pictures and say "Yeah, that's my mom."

Kids don't care if you don't look perfect.  They don't care if you have wrinkles, or you look heavier than you would like.  They want to have pictures of the mom exactly the way they remember her, with the huge smile that make the eyes crinkle a bit.  Heavy?  Maybe, but that is the mom, the person they remember sitting at the table struggling through homework, in the kitchen making dinner, the first face they see in the morning getting ready for school.

God didn't make you perfect, He made you mom.   Wrinkles and body weight and crazy hair, that is all part of who you are that HE created.  

He created you as a wife, as a mother, as an aunt, as a friend - body and skin don't matter, your love and your caring and your presence, that is what matters.  

So when i go to take a picture of you, it is because i know that picture will one day be treasured by your children, by your spouse.  It may be seen on facebook, it may be hidden away for years to come.   But one day, it might come out, and make someone smile and pass it around the room and say "Look, it's a picture of mom - wow, look at her beautiful smile."

I love you.

the real me...

I recently had an hour to shop for myself, and knowing i needed a sweater, i started pulling garments from the rack i thought would look good on me and fit.

Taking them back to the dressing room, every single one of them was HUGE on me.  

I have a tendency to look at clothes that are far too big for me, thinking that is what my body really looks like.  Often pajamas can't be tried on, and I will buy the ones that i think will fit...and they are usually HUGE on me (ask Tim, it drives him nuts). 

Self-image is so very destructive.   I look in the mirror and see fat, wrinkles, cellulite and everything i don't want to see.

But what do others see when they look at me? 

My husband says i am beautiful (i look even BETTER when he takes out his contacts!).

Friends often tell me i look great, that i don't look 50, even though i see every wrinkle indicating that i am indeed over 50.

My kids aren't embarrassed by me, so hey, that is a plus.

But i continue to criticize myself for what i see.

And i talk to my friends, and they do the same thing as me.  They don't like what they see, they find every flaw and focus on that, instead of finding the beauty that i see when i look at them.  

The media does not help, always showing the sexy THIN, perfect female.  Airbrushing away the stretch marks and making everyone look oh so perfect...yeah, that doesn't help.  I just loved the Big Lots Christmas commercial, did you see it?  NORMAL looking women!  LOVED IT. 

So, i guess what this comes down to, is that i need to stop hating what i see, and be happy with what i got.  I need to stop the self doubt, self hate and bad self image.  I am good, i am what God made me and my friends don't care about my looks - they care about me.

If you need to know how beautiful you are, let me know.
I love you.