Just a little dirt

Today i had the wonderful opportunity to see fields of flowers, so many colors, so incredibly breath taking.  Our beautiful grand daughter loved touching the flowers and watching the butterflies going from flower to flower.   I was taking pictures of all the beautiful flowers, of beautiful Skylar, the beauty all around me....and then suddenly i looked down and saw a flower that wasn’t perfect....it was dirty, it was withered, it was close to the ground, probably stepped on a few times....but in the center...there was color, bright and beautiful orange....just barely peeping out, but there it was....and it reminded me of myself.  

I am not perfect, oh far from it.   I have been dirty, I have been stepped on, but wow, by the grace of God, i am still showing my pretty colors. 

No one is perfect, everyone has dirt on their petals, been stepped on a few times.  

But, we are loved, unconditionally, by our Father, by our Creator.   He doesn’t seen the dirt, he doesn’t seen the withered petals.  He sees the color in the center....our beauty.  

He loves us, and i love you.

The Joy of Writing....

 I used to take such joy in writing, after accepting Christ and starting Higher Power, i felt filled with HIM as i wrote. I will never forget the first time i was filled with the spirit, i wrote a full time skit for Higher Power and we used it line by line by line.....it was an amazing feeling. 

The past two years, life has been insane.  Marching Band, college choices, son looking to work, daughters having babies, taking over a crochet/knitting club, gosh, where did all the time go?  

Today Christine Calhoun asked “What Do You Wish You Had More Time To Do?” And i immediately wrote “write.”  I didn’t realize how much i missed writing until just that moment.....and not having a computer made it difficult....let’s face it, writing long paragraphs on an iPhone can get....tedious.   But, i have an iPad, along with a keypad (thanks handsome!) and Christine reminded me i used to have a blog....so.....?

So first i had to find the blog.....yeah....that took some time, but i did find it and was amazed it has been two years since i wrote my thoughts, my prayers, my hopes and my fears.  

No, i don’t think my thoughts are mind blowing, life altering, but i have discovered that my friends appreciate me praying for them and when He gives me a word, it often affects several people.   There are times He puts a name on my heart, and i will reach out to that person.  Or He will give me a message to write down.

Not everyone believes as i do, several might call me a “Jesus Freak,” and i am okay with that.   Others may call me foolish, stupid, or out of my mind.  Others will say they know exactly what i am talking about...i am not trying to change anyone’s mind, or force people to think as i do.   My mind is crazy, i can’t imagine everyone thinking the way i do....it would be a dangerous world.

But the world is a mess right now, and i spend a lot of time praying, a lot of time watching the news (yes, i watch CNN....and MSNBC....and FOX....I want to hear it all.   I want opinions and thoughts, because i believe that makes me a better person.  I won’t tell you who i am voting for, that is private....and i won’t ask you who you voted for.   Honestly, I don’t care.  

I won’t have you bashing my friends opinions either....i ended up ending a long time friendship after a person i thought as a friend bashed someone i had known since first grade and expected me to take their side since we had been friends for so long.   No, again, no bashing.  I am blessed to have friends with s many different opinions, and that makes me a better person.  It isn’t my job to ram my views down anyone’s throat and i won’t have anyone alienating my friends with insults and opinions. 

So yeah, there you have it....let the fun begin.   

Oh boy. 

Will that help?

 How is that going to change history?  That is the question i am posing to all the people joyfully tearing down statues of people who died long ago and were heroes of their time....how is that going to change a damn thing to what happened to people that you never even knew?  Just, some one, explain this to me.  

Will it change anything?   Will it return the slaves to Africa?   Will it right a wrong?  

There is - no, sorry, there WAS a slave block in Fredericksburg, Virginia.   I took my kids there, and i told them everything i knew about what it represented.   We looked up information in the library.   My kids learned that people were treated like animals.   I explained that the block was there as a reminder to never let it happen again.  

I took my kids to the Holocaust Memorial in Miami.  There, they saw the horrific things done to Jews, and in fact, their family.  My daughters were part of helping gather the information needed to put my grandfather’s name on a wall there.  Yes, we went to the Holocaust Museum in DC.  We were there in 2018, the 75th anniversary of the murder of my grandfather and his family at Sobibor, and brought our close friends with us, to learn what had happened, to make sure it never happened again.  

I remember trying to teach my daughters about the “I Am A Man March” and the sanitation strike of 1968, and i couldn’t find anything about it in books at the library, so i started reaching out to MLK Jr museums across the country, only to discover that there were people WORKING at the museum didn’t even know what it was about.   What is it you ask?   Look it up, its tragic...and it’s the reason Martin Luther King, Jr was in Memphis when he got shot.  The reason i remember it so well, is because i was with my grandmother, watching news about it in Holland, and my Oma was crying.  I was 4 years old, and i had never seen her cry, and when i asked her why she was crying, she said “they promised it would never happen again.”   

“It” was the Holocaust, only i was too young to understand back then.   But i do know my grandmother made sure i treated everyone with respect and dignity.  No one deserved to be treated any differently for any reason.   I was taught to be grateful the garbage men came faithfully each week to pick up the garbage, and be thankful for the people who worked at any job, because could i imagine the world if that person wasn’t there?   If the trash men didn’t pick up the trash, if the bus driver didn’t drive me to my uncles house?  If the baker didn’t make the bread i so loved to have every morning?  

I got off track, I was talking about the Holocaust.   Do you know, when the Jews were liberated from the horrors they survived, they didn’t tear the walls down, they didn’t vandalize the towns nearby, they didn’t demand money that was taken from them......they got together and worked to keep the memories alive.  To honor their families by not letting history be forgotten.   No, you won’t see any statues of Hitler....no...but there are statues of Anne Frank, a girl who wrote a diary to teach us about survival.  Her father found it, the ONLY survivor from the attic, he found it and he had it published to teach us all.   

Steven Spielberg, the famous director of Jaws, ET, Schindlers List and other amazing movies, founded the USC Shoah Foundation.  He is interviewing survivors of the Holocaust, putting the horrors they witnessed on record, so we never forget what happened.  

Yet, we are now tearing down everything America stood for.   Everything.   Did anyone else stare in disbelief when they saw BLM all over the monument honoring the African Americans that fought in the Civil War?   REALLY?!?!?!?   Those men were so proud to fight, and the monument to them was spray painted?   I would love to talk to the people who did that and “Excuse me?  Do you even know what this represents?”

Taking down the statue of Christopher Columbus and changing the name of the cities named after him because he started the process of stealing land from the Indians?   Roughly 2.7 million Americans live in 54 counties, districts, cities, incorporated towns, boroughs, villages and census designated places named after Columbus.  

Where does it end?

Well, let’s think....Michelle Obama reminded us that she woke up every day for 8 years in a house built by slaves.   So, let’s start by tearing down the White House. 

And, yes, it is nice that the US Capitol now has a plaque to remind the world it was built by slaves...but...no, let’s get rid of that while we are at it.

And the Smithsonian building, and that lovely old building on Wall Street, that needs to go....Trinity Church in NYC.....those slaves were rented out....but the owners got paid, not the slaves...so TEAR IT DOWN!!!   Faneuil Hall in Boston...find a box of tnt. Oh, and while we are in Boston....see ya later Harvard, yes, you were built from slave labor.   And while we are discussing colleges, I do believe...yes, i do believe Georgetown and UNC need to go.   Monticello, Mountpelier, Mount Vernon...the list keeps growing. 

You know, while we are discussing slaves.....let’s not stop here.   Anyone want to join me on a trip to Egypt?   Yeah.....slavery....pyramids....they need to go.  Sorry, but we can’t just stop now...let’s be real.

I remember a sign in a history class “Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”  We can’t change history.  We can’t right what was wrong 200 years ago...we can’t tear down and remove it from our history books.   Instead of destroying everything, correct it.   A statue of Lee, don’t destroy it, fix it.   If he had slaves, if he had illegitimate kids with slaves, put that on it....We can’t change what Lee, Stonewall, heck LINCOLN HAD SLAVES!!!!!  NOTHING, NOTHING will ever change that.  It’s not going to put those families back on a ship and home to Africa. It’s too late for that....but...it’s not to late to stop the destruction of our history.   We may not like all that is there, but it is what made America today.  

Do you think MLKJr would support this?   The man that had such hopes for the Promise Land?  I was looking up articles about MLK and found Jacobin Magazine, never heard of it before this month...but it had an really good article. 

“When ruling elites call for peace, they are demanding docility. When they cynically cite decontextualized Martin Luther King Jr quotes and invoke the rights of “peaceful protesters” while denouncing actually existing protests, they announce that no effective protest will ever be peaceful enough to meet their approval. Ruling elites, pundits, and police use the rhetoric of nonviolence to discipline protesters and shift responsibility for state violence onto its victims.

We shouldn’t fall into their trap. There’s nothing peaceful about nonviolence if you’re doing it right.

Nonviolence is not about playing by the rules, working within existing institutions, or keeping protests unthreatening. Nonviolent direct action is direct action. It’s not saintly self-sacrifice or high-minded moralizing but a theory of power and a repertoire of tactics for using it. Effective nonviolence is about wielding collective action to disrupt the normal workings of society.”  Martin Luther King Jr knew that better than most.

It’s true that King thought nonviolent direct action, militantly pursued, was morally superior to rioting — but more important, he thought it represented a more promising path to directly confronting the American state. Nonviolence as he came to conceptualize it by the end of his life, was a means of channeling popular rage into a fighting force that could pose a more direct threat to the Johnson administration.  

 (JacobinMag.com 6.10.2020)

The uprising that started with a man being murdered on the streets has now become....what.....?   George Floyd’s murder has now become a side note....it’s no longer what happened....it’s now “well, see it started with...but then....”

Where does it end?   Can anyone tell me that?  Where does it end?

Or does it?

The Talk About Walking Out

Yesterday, I picked Ben up from school and he immediately started talking about the "Walk Out", students walking out for 17 minutes in honor of the 17 students and teachers killed a few weeks ago in Florida.  I asked him about it, he didn't have too much to say (normal with him), but then i started thinking about it and finally i said "If you want to, i'll back you up.  But i have some problems with it."

So we started talking.

I'm all for the walkout, if it honors the victims of gun violence, but then, what?

What is it going to do?  It's not going to get any gun laws passed.   It's been tried and tried, it just doesn't seem to get anywhere once it hits washington, does it?  We can spend time and money and efforts to get laws passed, but if someone wants desperately to get a gun, they will.

Instead of walking out...how about walking TO? 

To the kid sitting by him/herself in the lunch room, no friends to talk to.

To the kid in the classroom that is picked on for being different.

To the kid in gym that isn't as good as others, so is always picked last and then shunned.

To the classmate that hides in their book, trying to make sure no one notices, to avoid being picked on.

To the student who did something in first grade that everyone made fun of, and since then, has never had a true friend, but no one remembers why.

The pupil who doesn't dress in the latest clothes, wears handme downs because the parents are barely making ends meet, so classmates look down on them.

Walking out, do the kids that are hurting get invited?  If they walk with classmates, will anyone link arms with them and given the encouraging words and invite them to sit at the lunch table with them?

If they go stand in the gym in honor of the students who died, will anyone stand with them and hand a tissue if they start to cry?

Instead of walking out, walk to.....and try to make school a better place for everyone.  Everyone deserves to have a friend.  Everyone deserves to feel safe walking in the hallways and not worry about being pushed around and laughed at.  No one deserves to be laughed at if they aren't athletic
or can't read as well as others.

So Ben knows my thoughts and i hope he takes my words to heart.  There was a time he was the kid sitting all by himself and i would go to school and take lunch with him, because it broke me to know he was alone.  I hope he looks around and sees the kids alone and invites them to his table.

I love you.

Judging the Flood

So, recently on facebook, someone I thought I knew said that God was wiping Houston off the map because of the sins they had committed.   This person followed it up by making comments about homosexuality and a few other sins she felt the people there had committed.

Seriously?

First, let me remind you of Genesis 9:11, where HE promises that “never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.”

Second, this person, among others, also said that God was punishing DC by hitting it with an earthquake.   Mind you, the earthquake was miles away from DC, so either God has a really bad aim and hit Mineral, VA by mistake or…..yeah, the earthquake was just that.  An earthquake not meant to punish anyone, it was just some plates shifting causing a quake.

Third, when God flooded the earth, he saved the sinless by having Noah and his family build an ark.  So either you’re saying that every single person down south, men, women, children are full of sin or …oh wait, I got it…God sent all those rafts and canoes to save the innocent, right?

I don’t believe God is trying to wipe anyone out.  Do I understand the flooding and the hurricanes and the tsunami’s and fires that wipe out homes and kill people?  No, but I don’t believe God is doing it to punish people. 

Disasters happen, they have since He created the earth. 

I don’t feel I have the right to tell anyone they are a sinner, since I am a sinner myself.   I don’t want people pointing out my sins, and I don’t want to be pointing out others sins.  Any sins made are between the sinner and God. 

And I have enough I have to confess to HIM without adding i spent my time judging my neighbors.

Matthew 7:1-5

1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 

2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 

4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 

5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

I love you.

Nope, no trash here.

This morning, I spent time doing my hair, dressing in my VBS shirt and decided to forgo the make-up,  then looked in the mirror smiled and said “Still not trailer trash.”

Then my smile faded away and I thought, “How sad is that?”

Remember that incredibly stupid saying “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” 

Well, yeah they do.

And they leave forever scars in your mind.

I was recently talking to a friend who said her husbands comments about her arms has prevented her from wearing sleeveless shirts for over 30 years.

Another friend told me she doesn’t wear open toed shoes after a lady in the next bathroom stall told her she had ugly feet when she was about 16 years old.

I met a lady in the make-up aisle who said she never wore lipstick after being told she had ugly fat lips by a classmate in elementary school.

To this day, I wear bangs because I was told I had an ugly forehead and struggle to wear short skirts and shorts because I was told I had ugly knees. 

But it was two assistant principals that let me know that they wouldn’t waste their time with me because I was never going to amount to anything and I would be a drunk piece of trailer trash when I grew up.

I had gone to them asking for help for a situation at home.

Instead they turned me away after telling me I was a nothing.

I wish I could say I turned out the way I am because I said “Well I’ll SHOW YOU!” and became determined to show them wrong.   No, that’s not what happened.  Their words almost destroyed me.

And now, 37 years later, I still hear it.  I look in the mirror and mentally pat myself on the back for rising above their predictions.

Woohoo, I’m not trailer trash…yea!  Let’s go on with my day. 

Gosh, that’s pitiful.

So, as of this morning, I’m stopping it.  No more listening to what others say about me in a negative way.   Words from over 30 years ago have nothing to do with the person I am today. 

And I’m going to go a step farther.  I’m going to make sure I’m not responsible for anyone feeling less than good about themselves.   I will only see the good, I will constantly remind myself that every single person on this earth was hand drawn by God and deserve to hear how perfect HE made them.

I’m going to stop focusing on what hurts and hold on to what heals.

Stop looking for the bad, in me and in others, and focus on the amazing.

To my friends who are feeling bad or need a lift me up, I’m going to be the person they call on for a pick me up.

Because I’m not trailer trash.

I am precious in HIS site.

I love you.

I'm a missionary

The past week, I've been hearing a lot of being a missionary.  My pastor talked about it, another church is having missions week, seems to be the theme.  

Most people, when you talk about being a missionary, they think of some of the darkest corners of the globe, starving children, people who have never heard of God, no electricity.   Some might consider parts the united states, up in the mountains, or on the back roads....

I have never had the desire to go anywhere, ever.  I have never felt the need to pick up my passport and go off and spread the world of Jesus in Zuid Africa or Bombay, or anywhere.....  

I have always felt very strong about my mission field being right here.  Right where i am, right where i'm standing.

Because I'm doing what He wants me to do in my own backyard.

I pray, i post my prayers for all to see, and because of that, people come to me and ask me to pray with them.

Everything i crochet is filled with prayer, my etsy store is MadeWithPrayer, and that's a promise.

I open my heart and my ears to HIM, when He tells me to pray for someone, i do, and i'll let the person know that He has heard their prayers.   I'll never forget crocheting a rainbow because HE told me to...only to discover a friend was asking Him for an answer...and my rainbow showed her He was listening.

I live by example, and am not ashamed of the gospel, and shout it from the rooftops for all to hear.   I'll tell anyone about my faith, i live it for all to see.

Do i make mistakes..yup.   Do i sin...yup.  Does He forgive me....oh Praise Jesus, yup.

And i'll keep being a missionary right here in my backyard.

I love you.

This isn't always a happy Valentine's day

For some, this is a fantastic day.  They are in a new love, or they get engaged, or they have someone they can count on to make Valentine's day special.

But there are many more that for them, this day sucks.

Those who are alone.

Because they haven't found anyone, or that person hasn't found them.  They are widowed.   Or they are divorced.

The feeling of being alone of Valentine's day hurts.   You see everyone getting balloons and chocolate and silly little stuffed animals and although you put on that happy face, pretending it doesn't matter, inside, it hurts.

Being alone on Valentine's day is the worst.

But you're not.

You're not alone.  If you're reading this, you have a friend, a friend who cares and will be glad to give you a hug, send you a happy message, or talk to you on the phone.  

You may not realize it, but you have people around you that care.  I care, there are others that care.   Just reach out to us.  Don't suffer alone, don't hurt alone.  Call us, let us know you need us.

We'll be there.

I'll be there.

I love you.

Stop, just...stop...it's time to stop

You know that thought, that action, that thing you've been hanging on to that happened years ago that is way gone...but you still hang on to it?   Why?

It's as if you keep thinking about it at 2am, you can go back in time and change it.   Somehow you can  go back to that moment that you did or said something and change what happened and it'll all go away.

And the memory just sits there, all the time, it's always there, in the back of your mind.

And you know, you just know, other people remember it as well.   And every time they see you...they may not see you for 30 years but when they do see...they remember that moment and it grinds in their memory.

Yeah...it doesn't.

In fact, there's a pretty darn good chance if you were to mention it, they'd have no clue what you were talking about.  If you brought the memory up to them, they'd give you that funny look and say "wow, i don't remember that at all."

To give you an example, now, mind you, this is a funny memory, sort of, it traumatized me in a funny way...but...well, let me tell you the story first.  Years and years ago...my friend Suzy and i were asked to watch over her two little sisters while our parents went somewhere.  I have no idea where, but it was close by, probably a neighbors house.  Anyway, there we were, with her two sisters and it came time that we had to change her sisters diaper.   And it was at that moment we realized neither of us knew how.  So there we were, trying to tape on a pampers diaper on a wiggling, squirmy little girl (who is now in her 40's, so that's how long ago this was) and we couldn't get the tapes and she was mad at us and we were ruining diapers and the child screamed and the other sister was giving us advice and laughing...finally the diaper was barely on and we shoved shorts on the kid and let her go.   It wasn't good...it fell off.    Now, none of the three remember that experience.  Me on the hand, never put pampers on my children.  Huggies, Luvs...anything but pampers.

That is a funny memory (horrors, oh the horrors).  But we all have memories that grab us and hold on to us.

And, well, to quote Elsa, it's time to let it go.  There's nothing you can do to change that moment in time.  You can't fix it, you can't alter it, it's there.   Look forward....breathe and look forward.  It hurts, why are you letting something hurt you?

It's the same when someone has a memory of you and they just have to remind you of it time and time again.   You don't remember it...but wow, they do.   And it may be stupid, it may be silly, who cares...but after a certain amount of time....just tell them to stop.  

It's hard, i know..but it has to be done.   I had this one person who insisted in reminding me something silly i did  years ago.  I don't remember, so i have no clue if it's true or not, but every stinking time we are together and someone new is in the room, she just has to tell the world about it.   So, finally, i said something.   The first time, i asked her kindly to drop the story, it was getting old.  The second time...i reminded her, the story was old, time to give it up, find some new material.  The third time, i straight out said, "With all the experiences we've had in the past *** years, it's really sad that you need to dwell on that one episode over and over again.  I guess our friendship doesn't go past that moment." and i left.   I haven't heard from her since then....and...well, i don't miss her.  I discovered she was one of those negative relationships that was dragging me down and i needed to leave behind.

Since then, God has put other people in my life, that hole was filled with people who want to focus on our times today.

Let it go, and if they won't let it go, ask them nicely, then let them go.

You deserve to be happy, to have good thoughts and friends who want only happiness for you.

I love you.

a chance

And so, we now have a new president, our 45th president, who was voted in, whether fairly or not.   For the next four years, if he fails, democrats will remind us that he didn't win the popular vote.  If he succeeds, the republicans will insist he was voted in fair and square.

I've never told anyone who i voted for, and i won't.  It's no ones business.   If you want to tell me who you voted for...okay, but don't expect me to respond in kind.

Do i like Trump?   Can't say i do.  There were other republicans i liked more. 

However, i'm going to give him a chance.

A fair chance.

Like i was given.

When i was in 10th grade...my life was...upside down.  My mother and stepfather were divorcing, it was messy, it was violent and it was devastating.   There were secrets, and i started failing school.  I'll never forget when i was sent to a principals office for something or other, and she stood over me, glaring at me, and told me i was never going to amount to much, i was going to be a drunk, nothing but trailer trash.  

I was at my lowest point.

But i wrote a story...it was dark, it involved death (all my stories did around that time) and it got attention.   A friend of the family called me, i'll never forget that, he called me to compliment me on the article.   And 2 teachers reached out to me.  Both were involved with writing.  One was in charge of the school newspaper, and one had a writing class.   Mr. Kennedy and Mr. Hollman gave me a chance to show a different side of me.   Mr. Kennedy put me on the Clipper staff, Mr. Hollman challenged me to take a class and write stories.  

They both challenged me to show the world a different side of me and prove myself.    To prove i was more than trailer trash.   I told Mr. Kennedy what i had been told...and his response was simple "Don't ever let anyone tell you what you are, show them what you can be."   

I'm not a drunk, i'm not trailer trash (oh btw, one thing i learned living in Florida, jeepers some of those trailers are nicer than most homes), i'm a great mother, a pretty dang good wife and i like who i became.

I was given a chance.

So, i'm going to give Trump a chance.  He may screw up.   He may succeed.  He may do a bit of both.  Let's see. 

Obama screwed up, he succeeded, he did a bit of both.

Bush screwed up, he succeeded, he did a bit of both.

Clinton screwed up, he succeeded, he did a bit of both.

Bush screwed up, he succeeded, he did a bit of both.

Reagan screwed up, he succeeded he did a bit of both.

The list goes on.

the average me

So, i was taken a few minutes to myself and grabbed a Christmas issue magazine (i'm a little behind in my reading) and there were suggestions for gifts.   Okay, so I'm looking at gifts that are recommended for family and i had to chuckle when they suggested $200 ear plugs for my teenager.  First, my kids break earplugs - within 6 weeks they are complaining one plug doesn't work.   This could be $5 earplugs or a $35 pair.  Second, he usually wears his headset on the bus, which means he would bring them to school, which means....yeah, they'd be stolen in a week.

So then, i read about gifts for friends and truly burst out laughing.  This magazine was recommending i give a friend a $198 bathrobe.   Yes, you saw that right, $198. 

Now, i can tell you - if i were to give one of my friends a $198 bathroom, say for instance, i gave it to Melody - her first thought would be "Oh my gosh, Sharon robbed a bank!"  I love Melodyq with all my heart, i consider her a sister.  But no way am i giving her a robe that cost more than my weekly shopping list.

Now, i consider myself an every day type of woman, i clean every day, i do laundry every day, I lose my mind every day...but the people who put together these magazines are a wee bit out of touch.  I can't imagine any of my friends spending $169 for a pair jeans which are the must have for the spring.  Or a t-shirt, a plain white t-shirt that's a great bargain at $50.

(just have to squeeze this in:  I remember all the "in-things" while i was in high school.  Remember calvins  and Gloria vanderbuilt jeans?  I will never forget a classmate wearing jeans so tight she struggled to sit at her desk and was telling her friends she had to lay on the bed with her sister pulling the snap together so she could zip them up.  Ah, the good old days.)

I know my friends don't expect me to spend my grocery money on them.  Most of my friends are happy when i give them something i made with yarn.   I've been given a pair of microwave slippers that are one of the best things i've ever been given.  The average person doesn't want a gift that would financially strap their friend. 

The average person is happy with a girls night out that can includes a cheap bottle of wine and a couple of dice.   The average person comes home bragging about an incredible bargain she found (and has a husband who asks "And how much did you spend to save me that money?")

I'm average.   I'm not beautiful (even though Tim tries to convince me i am), I'm not amazingly smart, I'm not incredibly talented, I i don't have an amazing singing voice, even though i do have friends that fit in each category.

I am perfectly average.

And i'm so very blessed to have you as my friend.

I love you.








 

Does their opinon really matter?

Over the weekend, i was blessed with witnessing the wedding of a girl that i've known for 15 years.  While walking in between tables, another guest stopped me, saying she loved my hair, she'd always wanted to add a little color to her hair.

I asked "Why don't you?" and she told me that people have told her she's too old.  She only wanted to do like i have, just a little color up front, maybe a streak down the side, but she was told she was too old.

So I asked "Does their opinion matter so much that you won't do something that will make you happy?"

That caused her to pause and then she smiled.  No, it didn't matter that much and she was going to do it, she was going to add some color to her and we then started talking colors.

I've had people make some rude comments about my hair, including a few who decided at the ripe old age of 52, i'm too old for dabs of color.

And i don't care.  

I've finally gotten past the point in my life that someone's opinion about something that makes me happy no longer matters.   My hair makes me happy.  I love looking in the mirror and seeing the pop of color, i enjoy the way it makes my face look....and if you don't like it....oh well.

And it took me a long time to get this way, and i still have little hiccups along the way. 

There are still times when someone makes a comment about me, and i hunch my shoulders and turn inside myself, wondering what i need to do to fix that persons opinion of me.

But then i look in the mirror. 

There's a lot of pressure on us to fit the mold, to meet the standards of others, to fit in.

Well, forget that.

Be you.  There's enough of those and that and the others walking around.  But there's only one you.

And i love that about you.

A Letter To God

Hi God,

Normally i tweet messages to you, but today, the 144 characters won't do.

I have a lot of questions for you.

Let's first discuss the election...can it get anymore terrifying?  People are arguing that their candidate is the best...and to be honest, i can't see any candidate making America great.

And about America....Lord, it's terrifying.  Racial tensions, cop shootings and cops being attacked, mass shootings.   You can't feel safe anymore, i get scared walking out the door, sending my husband and son to school is terrifying. 

I can't think of anyone who isn't worried about their financial stability.   If they're stable now, they still worry about what happens in their future,  Everyone around me is just trying to pay bills.   Jobs are scarce and those found are stressful and require long hours and stressful commutes.  Many know their jobs are in jeopardy and are desperately trying to find another one.

I know so many that are struggling emotionally, and can barely get through the day.  Kids are being bullied, kids are being abused, kids are being ignored.   Adults are suffering from depression, and wondering why it's important they stay on earth. 

Families dealing with the empty nest are wondering if their marriage is strong enough to survive with just the two of them.

Couples are done, and are looking to divorce.

One spouse is cheating, the other is trying desperately to save the marriage.

Kids are caught in the middle.

Lord, i spend so much time in prayer, so worried about my friends.   I sometimes think You want to put cotton in Your ears because i talk too much. 

I'm putting my stress in YOUR STRONG HANDS.   I know YOU have a plan, YOU know what my prayers are.  

Please help me with my health, my job, my security.

Help my kids stay safe and help my husband come home every night.

If my friends need help, please let me know and thank YOU for the friends that have been there for me in amazing ways.

You are my Father, my Savior, and i am putting my trust in You.

Sharon

yeah, criticism, that'll work...not.

I admit, i used to be one of "those" people, who used to look at other people who had kids misbehaving in the store and think "oh my kid would never do that."  My kid would never scream or shout in the aisle.  My kid would never hide in the rack of clothes and quietly snicker as i went insane trying to find them.

My kids would never accidentally pull the one cord that would release all the balls all over the kids department in walmart.  My child would never cross his arms, stomp his feet and refuse to move from the freezing frozen aisle because i refused to buy his beloved strawberry ice cream.

Nope, never.

Then i had kids.

Jenn is the one that hid, Talina is the one that screamed, Nate is the one that pulled the balls down, Ben is the strawberry ice cream child.

Each and every time, I had a parent looking at me, like i was the worst parent on earth, that i had no control and my children were bound to be juvenile delinquents.  

I actually had one lady who stood in front of me, crossed her arms and proceeded to call me several unflattering names.

Now, if you know me, you'll know whenever my kids pull stunts, i usually end up muttering "I love my children, i love my children, i love my children...." as i clean up, fix up, grab up, do whatever to get the child back in line.

This lady told me my child needed nothing but a good beating and he would get in line.  Spare the rod, spoil the child and i obviously was raising the next Charles Manson.

What that person didn't know is that my son was tired.  We'd just come home from a funeral, after watching a close friend slowly waste away over a month.  His life had been topsy turvy while mom and dad dealt not only with the death of a friend, but the needs of our friends children while their mother never left her husbands beside.   A little guy who was used to be the youngest in the house, alone while all his siblings went to school, he was suddenly surrounded by their kids who were older, louder and bigger than he was. 

All my little boy wanted was some ice cream, which i had promised him, and had been too tired to remember...and he was reminding me in his famous red headed temper way.   The fault was with me, not my child, and he certainly didn't need a beating.  He needed a hug, and his carton of ice cream.

My first reaction was to smack the lady.

My second reaction was to burst into tears.

My third reaction, which actually happened, was me looking at the lady, barking a huge laugh in her face, opening the freezer door, grabbing 2 boxes of ice cream, and throwing them into my cart.  I then continued to laugh in a very annoying way, and said "Come on Charlie, let's go grab some whipped cream!"

(To which Ben responded "I not charlie!  cream!!!")

That taught me a very valuable lesson.   You just never know....you just never know what that person has just gone through.

Last week, I was in Wallyworld, and a little boy was crying and crying and crying.  He was miserable, and the mother was looking tired, scared and ready to run.    I went over, and put my hand on her shoulder.

"Ma'am, are you okay?"

She turned to me and literally burst into tears.  She had just found out her little boy was autistic and had no idea why the child was crying at the top of his lungs.  

I did.  The music in Walmart is horrible, it is often just low enough for most people not to hear, but loud enough to cause misery for someone with auditory issues, which most autistic kids have.  I took her hands and placed them over her sons hears...after a few quick shakes of his head, he stopped crying.  I was told her i, too, had an autistic child, and it was the noise.  I explained what i knew about noises and how i solved it with my child. Just that morning, i had asked a friend where she bought the headset her child wore, who also had auditory sensory issues, so she and i went into the gun section, found a kids headset, ripped open the box and plopped them on his head.  It took him a few minutes to adjust, but he had stopped crying. 

If i didn't have a child with autism, i might never have known what was wrong.  What i did wasn't wonderful, i don't deserve a pat on the back.   It was reminder to me that we are so often too quick to judge. 

Criticizing some one for what we feel is their flaw or their error or their mistake or whatever....that's not our job.   Unless we have been with that person all day, we don't know what they've gone through.

But, we are supposed to lend a helping hand to those in need. 

Mark 12.31  The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

I love you.
 

Little Blondie no more.

Last night i got smacked in the face with a woooooooooooooow moment. in 1991, i was blessed to meet who would become my soul sister - the person so much like me, it was like having a blonde twin. She had two kids, I had one, she was married, i was a single mother...and we set out to laugh at the world. We had shopping trips that lasted from 5am to 2am, we got kicked out of Perkins, we were girl scout leaders. Steffie was there when i had kidney stones. Our girls were in first grade together, and she was at my side when i met Tim, and was my maid of honor. Our girls, Ashley Lightner Jenn Aliotta and Talina Walters were in the 1st grade class together with Francine Greene Lutman. The girls grew up with each other until we moved to VA. I went back down to FL when she graduated as a nurse, and we went to Disney with her young son Joshua James Porter (and he kissed a mermaid). She came up with her whole family when i had ben 8 weeks early, a few days after 9/11 and we saw the damage on the Pentagon and mourned as one family and oh, huh, she discovered she was pregnant after leaving our home...we like to believe Zach was a blessing created at our home) They moved to Vermont, on the way there, they stopped by and longer stop was cancelled when she knew in her heart that something was wrong with her young son. She said he changed colors, i didn't see it, but i knew she saw something and they headed up to their new life. A few days later, Zach was diagnosed with Leukemia. At that time, while Jim and Steffie prayed and began the battle of keeping her son alive, i contacted the camping ground where their trailer was at, they waived their fees. I called every church and the support was amazing, including a home rent free. Praise the Lord, Zach is fine. Now, she is in VT, we are here and there have been times when we've been too busy to chat. But last night, they were driving from FL to VT again...and stopped by. And i got to see my best friend as a grandmother. Her daughter had 2 adorable children, and i got to snuggle and love on her son, while my sons got to entertain the very active 3 year old. Seeing Steffie as a grandmother and Ashley as a mom...wow. Time continues to fly. This mom was the little girl that Steffie and i bought Easter dresses for. She looked like a mom, knowing where her active little girl was at all times, smiling at her young son as he fell asleep in my arms...

Time flies....treasure every minute. I love you.

A staple serves as a reminder.

This morning, during the normal insane moments of the Corner Clan, i was pulling a fundraiser envelope off a calendar and ripped my finger on the staple.  

My first thought was "Ouch."

My second thought was "I wonder how many others did that and are thinking of suing the Holocaust Museum for pain and suffering."

Then, while sucking on my finger, i stopped and thought "Well, that put my life in perspective today."

Here i was, sucking on a sore index finger, from a calendar that reminds us one of one the worst times in our history.  

A time that highlights the horrors, and the greed of humans.  People without a heart made money off of human hair, gold ripped from the mouths of others, from art that was stolen from homes as the owners were thrown into camps and gas chambers.  It also highlights the strength in those who lost everything, but fought to survive and go on.  People who lost everything, their loved ones, their homes, their everything, but lived on.

Looking around my house, i see furniture and yarn, and pictures of kids who make my life whole.  I have plants, i have food in the fridge, i have clean clothes on my back.   We don't have the best of everything, but we have enough to get us through the day comfortably.

I think of times i think "I wish i had..." and feel ashamed as i look through the calendar, being reminded of all the indignities suffered by Jews and others in Europe over 75 years ago.  I am reminded of a neighbor on Mgr. v/d Wetering Straat, who had a milk pitcher on her window sill, with a picture of lovely woman and her son next to it.   The pitcher hadn't been moved since the mother had come over to ask for some milk, then saw the soldiers at her front door, ran out to be with her family, and was never seen again.  The couple on the next street over that always wore long sleeves, ashamed even 30 years later, of the numbers tattooed on their arms.  

It's so easy to want more.  It's so easy to think we deserve more.

Then, with something as simple as a staple, one is reminded of all we have, all we have been given, all we are blessed with.

Matthew 6.26:  Look  at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barnds, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they ?

There are times, we may not have enough food to feed our children, but we can reach out to friends, and they can reach out to us, and food is shared among the families.  Because it always seems, when you don't have something, a friend is blessed with extra.

When a car breaks down, someone is home for the day and hands you the keys to their car.

When you need long black pants, when you need a lunch box, when you a hug, someone is always there, because He put them there.

God carries us in more ways than we realize.  We take so much for granted, we don't think of all the times God put His coat over the puddle so we don't get wet, we don't suffer, we don't lack in what we need.

Life isn't perfect, we have pain, we lack, we feel loss, we suffer hunger in more ways than one...but compared to what others have suffered, we got it okay.

I love you.

It's not for me to judge.

So, i was asked my opinion on situation on the Gorilla and the little boy....the gorilla was shot to protect a child...did i blame the mother?   The Zoo?   What did i think about the whole thing.

Well, okay, i'll tell you what i think.

Nothing.

I don't think anyone was to blame.  

It happened.  It's sad, it's tragic....The gorilla was beautiful, the child adorable.

Do i blame the zoo?   Oh my gosh,  don't i feel they should've tried something else, tranqs, shock, anything...how dare they murder that gorilla?   No.  I don't.  The zoo keepers knew that gorilla, they knew what it was capable of and no way no how do i believe they thought "oh, what the heck, let's just kill it, no big deal."  That must have been a horrible moment for them....they had loved and cared for this beautiful animal for a long time, and i'm sure they tried to weight their options and took what they thought was the only option.

Do i blame the mother - the woman who allowed her child to get through the cage, fall 15 feel and to save him, they had to shoot the gorilla?   Isn't she at fault, a horrible neglectful mother?  Okay, confession time....i've lost my children in stores.  I've turned around and the stinkers were gone.  The only reason we had our first dog is because while i was filling out paperwork at the pound, i made the mistake of believing my child was asleep in his stroller.  Nate unbuckled himself from the stroller, got out, went down a hall, i became aware he was gone when i heard huge dogs going nuts...my son was walking past the cages looking for his dream dog.  Oh, and Ben ran off at the beach...and Talina was playing outside one day and i couldn't find her and was screaming for her.   (okay, she had gone back in her room through the back door).  Thinking if i ever lost jenn....can't think of one, but hey, i am a bad mother, so i am sure i did.

It's really bothering me how much mothers feel the need to bash other mothers.   A couple went to dinner together when their newborn was 9 days old....oh my the horrors!  Sadly, they didn't bash the husband, they attacked the woman, but not the father....kudos to him for standing up and saying "if you are going to bash her, you better bash me too."

A woman lost all her baby fat, and she was immediately bashed and attacked as being a horrible role model...fyi, with ben, i never outgrew my clothes, i wore my regular clothes to the hospital and wore them back home again.   Bad me, i know.

Come on....stop.  

Give the zoo credit for putting that baby first and doing what they felt needed to be done.  People who were with that gorilla every day and knew what it was capable of.

Feel with the mom, the pain, the horror, the hell she went through when she saw gorilla grab her son and drag him through the water....and the guilt she feels even now, knowing her baby was almost killed.  And the hell she is dealing with now, being crucified by parents around the world who believe they would NEVER EVER have allowed that to happen.

We all believe we would never ever do what they did.  Because...well, we're like, so totally so much better.

I pray i never go through what the zoo keepers and parents went through.  I pray you never go through it either.

But if you do.  I'll be here for you.

I love you.



 

40 Days of Purpose, 13 years later.

So, a few days ago, a mother was on facebook, bragging upside down sideways and backwards about the amazing accomplishment her child had done.

I've been on facebook, bragging, as have most of my friends.

That's our job.   We do that.   We are proud of them, we live vicariously through our kids and we are stinking proud when they do above and beyond what we did.

So a few days ago, a parent came up to me and complimented me on Ben's work for Autism Awareness.  She had read the article in the paper, and wow, what a great kid.   I thanked her.  She then said something that had me stepping back....her comment was that my kid had far to go, and her son couldn't get his face out of the computer fast long enough to clean his room, let alone change the world.  At the rate he's going, she said, he is taking the fast track to being a bum.  

What was worse is that her son was standing right next to her.  He looked upset, and lowered his head.  

"Huh."  I said, in my sugar sweet tone that warns my kids they better run.  "They said the same stuff about Albert Einstein.  That he wasn't going to amount to anything.  And he's the most famous mathematician in the world."  I then smiled at the kid who was now looking at me.  "I guess you got a great future, can't wait to see what you do to light this world on fire."

Then looking at the now very annoyed mother, i said "God don't make no junk.  Have a great day."

I don't think I'll be on her Christmas card list this year.

Yesterday, i had to run to OCHS, and saw the kid.   I have no clue what his name is, but from across the parking lot, i got "Hi Mrs. Corner!  Have a great day!"

I will never understand why a parent feels it is okay to put down their kid, not only in private, but it's worse when it's in front of others.   Our kids get emotionally beaten up all the time.  From classmates, teachers, "friends" who aren't really friends, strangers, tv, magazines.  

They are never good enough, they are never thin enough, they are never smart enough, they didn't do everything right, there's always someone better that they compare themselves to.

That incident served as a very strong reminder to me of what I believe God wants from me.   Years ago, I did the 40 days of purpose.   Over and over again, i knew God wanted me to fight the good fight for kids.   To help them feel good about themselves, give them a sense of pride in their accomplishments.

At that time, i was the director of Higher Power and i loved watching kids grin like crazy when they did something and were proud and their team mates were cheering them on.

I have to admit, i have't thought that much about it in the past year or two.   I pray i never put a child down, but it wasn't a priority to lift them up.

But that woman reminded me, He didn't tell me to stop.   He needs me and everyone, to make our kids feel valuable, to let them know that life ain't all bad, and there's someone in their corner.

And it isn't all that hard.

When you go to a concert, and you see a mother drop her kid off at his last band concert of the year and hear her yell "Call me when its over."  It really easy to go up to him when the concert is over and he's waiting for his ride, to go up to him and say "Knock out job, you looked like you were having fun up there.  See ya in marching band."

When you see a kid alone, everyone else is standing around and ignoring them, to go up and say "Oh my gosh, is your hair naturally that curly?  I am so jealous.  I'm *******, what's your name?"

When you know a kid is having a rough time, say something nice on facebook about a picture they posted, or a comment or a selfie...something.

That mother served as a reminder that HE needs us to let His children know they aren't alone.  That just because some one puts them down, there is someone around who is going to lift them up.  

I remember feeling worthless, unloved, alone, picked up, bullied and emotionally destroyed.   And i am going to do my best to prevent others from feeling that way.

Who's in with me?

I love you.

Lonliness

It's amazing how easy it is to be lonely, when surrounded by people. 

Years ago, i lost both my parents.   Both left too soon, only having met one of my four kids.  While i didn't have a perfect relationship with them, the loss of grandparents for my kids is sometimes more than i can bear.  

I have friends, i believe i have  a good amount of friends, but....you ever have that feeling that you are all alone? You find out your friends are doing things without you and you go through that "No one really likes me" phase?  When you're standing in a crowd, and everyone seems to be talking around you, but not with you?   When you feel overwhelmed and feel like you have no one to call to help you out?

Yeah, me too.

No matter how popular you are, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how well you get along with your co-workers, you feel completely alone.

The past few weeks, i have felt completely alone.   I feel lonely, deep down bone aching lonely.   My family is in Holland, they are having their own issues.  I have friends, but everyone seems to be battling their own issues.  We left our church, and are searching for a new home, and i received emails telling me that i had been removed from their online neighborhood, emails and prayer requests.

Last night, i woke up in the middle of the night, exhausted beyond exhausted, but unable to sleep.   I was overwhelmed with thoughts of being alone, no friends, no one cared about me.  It was devastated.   Tears soaked my pillow, i was just lost.  Very cold, very alone.

Then, somewhere in the dark,  i felt a hand on my shoulder.  First, i thought it was my husband, but he was still snoring to the left of me, and the hand was on my right.  Where i had been bone cold, i suddenly felt warmth.  While no one said anything, i heard in my heart "You are not alone."

And that's when it occurred to me - Satan was having a field day with my emotions.   Leaving a church, feeling like i had lost so many friends there....he knew i was low and sad.  My friends were all doing different things, we are all too busy this time of year, and he was trying to get me to feel that no one wanted me as a friend.  Satan was trying to make me feel small and alone.

But that warmth worked its way down to my toes.  I took a deep cleansing breath.   I then reached over for my phone, and opened the bible app, randomly opening a book.  

Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD is the one who is going ahead of you. He will be with you. He won’t abandon you or leave you. So don’t be afraid or terrified.”
 
My tears of depression and grief turned to joy.  I got up, went outside in the pouring rain and just lifted my face to Him and thanked Him for loving me, wrapping me in His loving arms.   I found myself laughing, as the rain drenched me.  Laughing at satans attempt to drown me in sorrow.  He knew my weakness, my fear of not having friends, something that has been with me since childhood.   Fear of people not wanting me around, laughing behind my back, pushing me away.    But God gave me HIS strength to fight against satan.  He sent someone down, just to touch me, to make sure i knew i wasn't alone.

Recently, I was the person he sent out to touch a friend.  A few weeks ago, He had me send out a text to a friend, just a reminder to my friend that I loved him.  He texted me back, saying i had no idea how much he needed that right then and there.  I texted him back, saying God knew, and that's why He had me text my friend.    I got a call a few minutes later, and my friend told me the battle he had been fighting and his fears.  I told him God was in control, and He told me to pray for him.   A few days ago, my friend called me, happy, things were turning for the better. 

We are never alone.   God may send me to touch your shoulder, another friend to call or text you with a loving message.  In the middle of the night, you may feel cold and alone....and you need to remember, you're not.  He is there.   When you are at your worst, He is at His best. 

When you are so far down, i am here for you.   I love you.

Get the damn blow torch, it's time to pray.

It's it funny how something simple brings a person to your mind?  

A few days ago, I walked into a store and the smell reminded me of my grandmother so much, it was almost like she was standing next to me.

Scents, words, sounds, sights, can bring someone to your mind just out of the blue.

Gypsy moth nests to it for me every time.

Years ago, i had been living in Holland and came back to Bellport, Long Island and we were staying at a friends house while my mom looked for a home for us to move into.   We were standing on the deck of the patio and i saw this white dense cotton looking thing in a tree in the back yard. 

"Uncle Ronny, what is that?"

With his cigarette clenched between his teeth, he turned around and said "Damn it, Jackie, get the blow torch."

Jackie went and got it from the garage and with a flick of his lighter, Ronny was heading to the back yard with this blue flame and he set that sucker on fire.  Looking around, he found two more in his yard and WHOOOOOSH, they went up in flames.

"Ronny!  Be careful, don't set the tree on fire!" Yelled his wife, Shelley. 

I looked at Jackie, and asked what they were, and was told they caterpillars that would eat the entire tree bare.  She pointed to a tree in the neighbors yard that was completely devoid of leaves.

Now, some 35 years later, every time i see one of those tents, i think "Damn it, get the blow torch."

But another thing that i do is pray.   Every time one of those memories creep up, I pray for that person.  In Ronnie's case, he has passed on, but his wife, three daughters and their families are then covered in prayer. 

When I hear someone yelling for their child to come in, I remember "Joy Ann!  Joy Ann S---k!"  and say a prayer for a neighbor of long ago.

Pancakes always make me think of Mirjam and all the pancakes we convinced her mom, Tante Inge, to make for us.  I pray for Mirjam, her girls, Gep and Marinka.  Chamomile tea also reminds me of Tante Inge.

Whenever I think of someone, I believe it isn't by accident that they are brought to my mind.  I think of it as God's little way to ask me to pray for that person, to lift their family up in prayer.  There are times i feel the need to call them or write them a note on facebook, the feeling is so strong...so i do.  And I can't tell you how many times that person has told me they needed that message, they were down and the prayers gave them strength.  Or there was something wrong and they needed to talk to someone, and i just happened to call. 

So, count on it, something out there reminds me of you, and i have prayed for you.

I love you.